A Survivor's Guide To Fairy Tales
You've likely not been to a magical land,
Unless you've had too much to drink,
But surviving in a fairy tale,
Is harder than you'd think.
There are ogres and goblins and talking pigs,
And puppets who've come alive,
But if you follow these ten guidelines,
Then you just might survive.
1) Don't ever mess with dragons,
Or you'll get badly fried.
2) Before you cross a bridge,
Check its underside.
3) Don't go near your grandma,
If you detect a wolfish air,
Make sure that she's always had,
All that facial hair.
4) Never trust your stepmother,
Farther than you can spit,
If she offers you an apple,
Do not -- repeat, DO NOT -- eat it!
5) Don't go climbing ropes of hair,
No matter how lovely the lass,
You'll rip her bleeding scalp off,
And land on your . . . word-that's-rather-crass.
(Though getting a prince to do it is fine;
For more on that, see number nine.)
6) When dealing with leprechauns,
Don't mention their size.
7) Dealing with trolls at all,
Is typically unwise.
8) A chocolate house should be obvious,
But people never cease to surprise me,
So I'm going to spell it out for you:
It's a T-R-A-P.
9) It helps to hire a charming prince,
To aid you on your quest,
They can combat all manner of monsters,
And save damsels in distress.
Finding a charming prince,
Goes something like this:
Find a random frog,
And give it a big kiss.
10) And lastly, but not leastly,
If you've any last queries,
Contact the the Brothers Grimm,
And they'll sort you out with ease.
Well, my friend, that is your guide,
To surviving a fairy tale,
And with a bit of pluck and a spot of luck,
You'll hopefully prevail.
May you live happily ever after.