Where I spent a good portion of my adolescence, the place that almost consumed me, but nonetheless, the place from where I emerged a different creature than I was when I entered, stronger but also darker.
There is always an eternity of pain, lurking, between what you wouldn’t do and what you could do, and in that space is an eternity of misery and despair. In that space there is no sunlight, and the sky is always dark and there are always predators there, just waiting to pick you off.
The ocean is as black as night and only rarely do you ever see even the faintest trace of light. In the air are demons and nightmarish creatures with gargoyle wings, and sharp claws and fangs.
The ocean and the land are unpredictable, one day you may be sitting comfortably on a small island and the next day a giant tidal wave will topple you and wash away your safe haven leaving you at the mercy of the currents, and the monsters, and all manner of horrible things swimming in the abyss but lurking just beneath the surface.
In the air are still voices, taunting you, tormenting you, urging you to give up and stop fighting, for as nightmarish and grotesque as those creatures may appear, their horrific appearances are merely there for shock, as they cannot take you against your will. They can however, make you afraid, afraid to the point where you decide that you would rather die than to live one more second being that afraid. So they’ll simply wait for you to give up, for your will to break and believe me, they are never more than a foot away and they will sense the very moment you begin to break and they will be there if and when you finally decide to give up.
So until you decide to live or die, as long as you are in that place, you will never be safe, and you will never be comfortable and you will never be able to relax and simply be.
In that place, you need to use your heart to guide you, in order to decide whether there is enough contrast in the everyday world to offset your knowledge of this world.
It is not because of physical strength or stamina that the ones who do, make it out but rather it is because of strength of will, because they have a fire burning inside of them that cannot be extinguished, and that light is the only thing those creatures fear and the only light you’ll ever see and the only warmth you’ll ever feel for in that place, is you.
Everything you’ve ever felt is manifested everywhere you look. Your heartache becomes the ocean, and your despair the sky. Your nightmares and failures, the creatures that attack from above and below. Your fears, the voices in the air and your love and your hate eventually become, your life or death.
On the bright side however, your hopes and dreams can become the land and trees. Your happiness and desires can become the stars and flowers and your love can become the sun, the light, the warmth and eventually, the way out.
I know all this because I’ve been there, lost in that foreboding place. Most people pass through here at least once in their lives, though some never make it out. Some are so afraid of going back that they live a careful and sheltered life, so terrified of crashing down that they forever avoid flying high and there are some like me that although we made it out. We take that place so deeply with us in our hearts, that even though we made it out, we will never truly be out.
That place is where I live, so whatever you may think, just know that that is my domain, everyone else visits here, but me, I live here.