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for anyone that has or is going through this it's ok and there is always someone out there who will help/listen to you. to everyone else this is an eye opener to the fact that people go through this and we generally don't know, so be mindful. the first and last 6 lines are from the song Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away

I wish I could've sang those lines to her 

I wish I could have given her the words she needed to hear 

We all slip up but it isn't the end and it isn't what makes us who we are 

We are born in the moments we stand up and the moments before and after our fall 

Our falls don't make us 

And neither does our skin

I often wonder if telling her would have made a difference 

Wondering if maybe like superman I could've swooped in and saved the day 

What a shitty superman I would've been 

I couldn't have been superman 

 

No I found myself looking around my room categorizing my possessions 

Kept, thrown out, hidden away 

Packing up my room in boxes much like the one I saw for myself

Finding myself on the bathroom floor, tears rushing from my eyes

Metal pressed to my skin 

This wouldn't be the first time but it would be the last 

As I took what I thought would be my last normal breath 

I didn't know her last had already gone

 

December 8th 2015 

What a joke that it would be my half birthday, 

That every year for years I'd be reminded on my own god damn birthday, 6 months later in June of that fateful day 

The metal did not dig deep 

I did not take my last breath but I got the fateful text that she did 

Her name was Abbi 

She was like an acquired taste to most 

She was eccentric and vocal 

Never afraid to voice her opinions and never afraid to laugh too loud 

And to be honest that drove me up a wall sometimes 

But that didn't and has never mattered 

What mattered then was that two days before she had left us

December 6th 2015 

Her half birthday 

Sick to my stomach, my mouth didnt utter words only an audible scream 

 

"The hole that I feel in my heart now because of Abbi is the same hole someone else would feel because of me" 

It was those words that saved me that day 

And I wish I was there to let Abbi know 

I wish I could've let her know that we all fall down and we all have our inner demons whispering in our ears 

But it's alright because we are more than that 

We are more than our falls and the things that haunt us 

We are not our skin and I wish someone would have made her realize what I finally accepted 

 

I am more than the chains of poverty that shackled me into a hard life 

I am not the knives that found their way into the skin of my back 

I am not the bruises and swelling that were left on me

I am not the illness that destroys my body 

I am not the shape of my body

I am not my depression or anxiety 

I am not the words of hate that are stuck in my ears 

I am not my insecurities 

I am not my trips and falls 

None of us are any of the things that plague us and even if those things make us fall off the wagon 

It isn't our whole lives 

and I know more than anyone that getting back up is hard 

But if you can't do it on your own someone will be there to help you up 

I'll be that person if you need 

Whether that person gets off the wagon to help 

Or if they fell down too 

Remember that accidents can happen

And it's okay,

We all fall off the wagon sometimes

It's not your whole life

It's only one day

You haven't thrown everything away

 

The End

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