It’s a Thursday and it is sunny out. Normally I would be at the mall but today I haven’t been feeling the greatest so I decided that tomorrow would be the start of my new life. I look at the window as my friend Tina from across the street lays out on her pink and yellow beach towel she has had since she was a kid. It is getting raged I told her to replace it but she never listens to me … and I guess in a way I never listen to her.
I just returned from the doctor’s office when I received a call from her. She wanted to know if I wanted to sun bathe with her. I told her I wasn’t feeling to good today, so said “maybe tomorrow?”. That is the question. I don’t know if I will be alive or not tomorrow.
My folks came home from work and the three of us sit around the table eating. It is my mom’s specialty … take-out. Tonight is Bojangle’s Chicken and Biscuits. Same as every Friday. We are in such a rut but tonight may change it all.
“So dear did you get a lot of sun today” my mom wonders.
“I was out for bit but I was really tired so I came in an laid down” I say. Which is an utter lie and I never lie to my parents but today is different I did something very stupid and immature.
“I hope you aren’t getting sick?” my fathers asks intently.
“No I didn’t get much sleep last night so I just an hour or so” I say very coyly.
My parents leave it at that.
After dinner I help with the dishes then went to my room..
After that I walked down the stairs and my parents are in front of the television watching Jon Stewart do his “news” program, which I cannot stand so I walk past the living where they sit and step out the front door.
Once outside I open my cigarette package and pull one out. Grab my lighter and light this sucker up. The intoxicating joy I receive from each drag is heaven. Bliss fills my entire body and for the brief moment I am outside. I forget what needs to be done later that night.
Puff in, release. Peace.
Puff in, release. Delight.
Puff in, release. All my worries are melting away.
The front door opens.
“You‘re smoking now?” my mother asks from behind me.
“I … yeah I am” I don’t even have an excuse to tell her.
The door slams behind me.
Puff in, release. Wanting to kill my parents because their disappointment makes me worry for what might happen later tonight.
I finish my smoke and head back inside.
Once inside I b-line it right for my room, on the way I see a picture of my brother. My dead fetus of a brother. My brother was a still-born , and I seem to be the target for all I the resentment my parents carried for it. So I basically had to be “their little princess” who did nothing wrong or I was acting out because I missed my brother. That to me never made sense because I was just eleven months older so I didn’t really understand all that had happened until later in life. My parents tried to sue the hospital for killing their baby but since it wasn’t the fault of the hospital the case was thrown out of court.
I walk past the living room which is now silent and dark. I am guessing my parents have gone to their room to go to sleep even though it is only seven o’clock. It is funny as u get older you seem to go to bed earlier and earlier. I know now at my rightful age of sixteen I can stay up all night and not be tired the next day. I g into the living room to find something to watch I settle on the Family Guy, watch and episode and head upstairs to see if my parents have fallen asleep.
Once upstairs, I don’t hear any noise but I will wait an hour to make sure they fall into at least an N3 of their NREM. NREM if you are not aware is, Non-Rapid Eye Movement it accounts for seventy to eighty percent of sleep time for normal adults, I realize everyone knows what REM is from that mediocre glam/bullshit band from the eighties and nineties, but NREM is what state you are in basically the whole time you are sleeping. So I’ll give them about an two hours and NREM should be in full effect.
I sit down at my computer and check some e-mails nothing great just junk mail and pills to help my “penis” grow two more inches, how swell. It is just what I need. I grab a DVD and throw it on. I don’t even care which it is I am just killing time until my parents are so asleep that they won’t hear small noises.
The DVD is about this dude goes back in time to meet this girl he has always loved, but once he goes back to change the present he changes it drastically and in the end. Once he sees all the options he decides it is better to force her away from him then go through the hardship of being with her. Or at least that is my take on it The DVD ends and I hear no noise in the house.
It is about nine-thirty at night and still a little light piercing through my window. I look out the window and wonder how I got myself in this situation, how could I be so dumb. Every year at school people come and talk to us about this, and I didn’t listen I knew it wouldn’t happen to me I was invincible, omnipotent. Stupid old me, now I stand here waiting to do the stupidest thing in my life and I may die in doing so. Well it is getting late so I should just do it.
I reach under the bed and pull out my coat hanger and plastic bag, I grabbed a coat hanger and cut it in half made it as straight as possible. Then at one end I curved it to a twenty-five degree. Then I burned the bent end and wiped the black off. It has to be sterile I may be dumb for trying this but I am not stupid. Safety is my number one priority. I realize that sounds moronic as I am going to do this by myself but it is the truth. I set them on the bed. I wonder if a garbage bag would be better so I run and grab one. I unbutton my jeans and slide them to the floor, to think if I wouldn’t have done this before I wouldn’t be in this situation. I laugh out loud, but not real loud. Quiet enough that only I heard it.
Now standing with just my panties and my t-shirt on I see myself in the mirror and I say “this is the stupidest thing you could have ever done and now I have to clean it up. I am not split-personality or anything but I sometimes talk to myself in the third person. Yes I realize it is weird and if I make it through this I am sure I will need therapy anyways so I will ask about that then, but at the moment I have other things to worry about. I grab my panties and drop them to the floor.
I grab the garbage bag and step inside it. I take a few big breathes to relax myself … everything will be okay I try to tell myself but myself knows this is stupid and I may die or I will hurt myself very badly. This is the last time I can stop. I can go and tell my parents that I fuck up and I need their help. I am sure that would go well. Their little Misty, their little princess who can do nothing wrong, seems that’s all I ever do. I don’t want to be the failure and seeing as they only have one child I am either the failure or the champ, but I am also dealing the fetus saint. The child that does no wrong because he isn’t alive. I am fighting against a ghost child for attention. Well I am sure I will have their attention after tonight.
I grab the coat hanger with a few more breathes I am ready to go. I slide the razor shape curved end of the coat hanger up my cooch and we are on our way to infamy. I slide it up trying to keep the serrated edge away from any serious organs. I have done some reading on it but it is very different once you are doing it.
I slide up the uterus. Slipping and sliding until I feel what I believe is the fetus. This living fetus that has a better chance at life then my brother if I just pull this out now and go to term with it. I can’t it has to be taken out, I can’t have my parents think I am an ingrate and a no good, so I slide the gagged edge of the coat hanger up above the embryo and I pull down with some force.
The pain within my stomach is horrendous I fall to the ground with the coat hanger still stuck in my vag. The pain is like someone kicking out and it knocks all the wind out of you. I stand up to pull the coat hanger out but the pain is unbearable. I can feel the liquids leaking out of me onto the floor. The plastic bag at my feet doing not good what-so-ever. I finally make it to my feet. I give the coat hanger a little pull and it is stuck. The blood is now gushing out of me along with this little bit of white-grey mucus. I believe I have done what I was suppose to do. Now to stop this bleeding. I push the coat hanger up a bit. It is stuck and getting covered with the blood flowing out of me. I am like Niagara Falls here.
So now I am standing here with a coat hanger stuck inside me and the blood gushing out of me. I could go wake my parents and get them to take me to the hospital. I could see their reaction to me in their room which a coat hanger hanging from my cooch and me bleeding all over their floor. That would easily put me in second place.
My brother then me.
That innocent little fucker then me.
Me number two.
That lucky fucker never had to deal with this type of shit. He had it all good. They loved him in the womb until the grave, and now in death he turns more and more into a saint the more I fail in their eyes. Every parent says they love each children equally, that is ‘til one of them dies. Once that one dies a piece of them dies with the child and that never comes back, and it can’t be replaced. I have spent my life trying to replace that missing piece in my parents life or heal the wound open by that death or lack of life.
So now I have a choice to make go wake the rents or try and fix this myself.
I grab the coat hanger and I push as hard as I can. I feel it dislodge. I slide it down a bit and I feel the serrated edge dragging against the side of my uterus I am not sure if it is slicing it or not but the blood pouring out of me doesn’t seem to be more then before, but there is so much it is hard to tell. The garbage bag around my ankles is getting full so I have to pull it up a bit towards my knees.
I finally pull the coat hanger out and with a good well done I now have to contain the bleeding and try and stop it. i grab a tampon and shove it up the vag. Leaving bloody footprint all the way to the bathroom I grab a towel and some toilet paper. I wipe my feet off and run back to the room. I pull out the tampon over the garbage bag and the gushing continues then dies down a bit. I ram a whole roll of TP in the vag and force it in with the tampon. I pray that will heal it.
I clean up my feet and step out of the garbage bag filled like a quarter way with blood and mucus. I tie the bag off and take it outside. Setting it on the curb. I go back to my room and fall asleep.