trying to find a reason why

I don't understand.

It's been rattling around in my head

all night,

and the morning light did not erase

the hurt from the things you said,

and the things you failed to say,

but were meant, implied in your silence

like the colours that would fill a black and white sketch.

All I know is

I am so hurt.

 

All my life,

I was a good girl,

above all else, I was seen as someone

innocent, to the point of naive.

I was the only girl in my grad class

who didn't party,

didn't sleep around,

didn't bother experimenting

because I was good.

So when I left, something inside me

broke free,

I smoked cigarettes and had mindless sex,

all under the tattooed title of "no regrets"

and the truth is, yes,

I do miss being good,

because deep down inside I am.

But I needed to get a little crazy

and I'm passed that.

But my experiences changed me,

and I can't sink back into the same seat

that fit me back in high-school.

And I'm happy with that.

It means I'm growing.

 

You, my best friend,

my love, my sweet girl,

I told you these things.

I told you my stories of the dirty nights

and the drunken stumbles,

the dark alleys in which I had strayed.

You took these things I gave

and smeared them across my face.

If the words weren't on your lips, they were in your eyes.

Slut.

Scum.

Smoker.

Stupid.

I know these names.

I was called them when I started playing games

but that was a choice I made.

The words themselves don't hurt as much as sticks and stones,

as much as broken bones,

as much as the fact that you're my friend,

and you said you loved me

the way I am.

 

I don't understand.

What deep wrong or hurt did I do to you,

to make us come unglued?

All I know is,

I am so hurt.

Because I loved and trusted you,

and you broke my heart.