i always seem to
give my characters somebody.
Ethan got Aideen,
Tanaka got Darcy,
Andrea got Tammy,
Luci got Alicia,
Quinn got Lucas,
and i can list more.
i always give them someone.
a friend, a sibling, a family member.
i can't ever bear to leave them alone.
they always have someone to talk to.
why? maybe because i don't.
maybe i'm just trying to give my characters
what i don't have, trying to make up for
my faults by sealing that avenue for issue
so that they will never feel whatever this is.
so that they will never have loneliness
tattooed into their skin,
isolation will not sink into their lips,
sadness will not burst in star-crossed
explosions across their eyes.
so that they will never know
what it is like to be me.
it is a mercy, in a way.
but the scale must be balanced.
Quinn has problems with
what society expects of them.
Alicia's a chain-smoker,
Ethan gets shot, he gets hurt,
Aideen does not believe that she
is a hero, she is only a streetfighter.
Andrea is a secret agent. So is Tammy.
Tanaka's father is less than pleasant,
Darcy was abandoned.
Lucas struggles with feeling alone.
(So maybe I lied. Maybe sometimes they
feel isolated. But it is never permanent.)
i try to make up for my own faults
by gifting the absence of them upon
the people i create with words.
it is unfair, it is irrational,
it makes more sense than
i would like to admit.
i will never let them feel the way i do.
(they are fictional, but to me, their creator,
they are as real as they can be.)