If I had to recommend one poem of my work to read, it would be this one. The pain I felt writing this, was so immense, and so dark, that I was terrified of continuing it. I posted it here thinking: "This is awful" and went to bed, coming back and saying "I wrote this?" Even now, my jaw drops when I view this poem.
Remember the first dance we shared
That night you took all my fears away
And left me with a kiss so kind
I wish I could take back my heart that I gave
Even though I've removed you from my life
And so Today is The Dawn of A New Age
A age I remove you to replace you with someone nothing like you
The only time you tried to see if I was gone was when you saw I left you behind
A siren from my dreams came to me
Saw her eyes, my longing
Still I write my poems
About the dream I had
Wherein everything I needed was always here
The dream shall commence again
That siren calls out to me
First of new true loves
Devil on my shoulder
Saying everything that I know isn’t true
Dreams show me her face, entwined in every thought
I tried to draw her, but I can only paint with my words
Its almost 2 am now, the light on in my room seems to only illuminate my thoughts.
I see two women standing in opposite corners
One behind and one ahead of me
I don’t want to move, for the one behind me has scared me to death with lies
The one infront of me, everyone defines
I wish I didn’t ask them about her.
I try turning to the one behind me, she gives me nothing to go on
Blames me for everything wrong with her life
I see the beaten girl infront of me
And wish others could see the scars
The girl behind me, tries showing me her scars and I acknowledge them
Only for her to cut open her wounds so I worship her blood.
The first thing I ever saw was a woman walking through a school hallway
The people around her don’t even know she exists.
I do, and everyone tries sending me away from her.
The girl behind me beckons me
Breaking my dream only to show me she’s breaking herself for me
And so I ignored the dream in front of me, praying to God that it would revive
So it does, and I see the girl I turned to smiling with bloody tears
Sadomasochist she is, false prophet, simple philosopher.
I try turning away, but can’t help noticing her pleasure at killing me.
Back to the broken angel I first saw
Her face is silent but shows everything.
Only ten minutes have passed, and I know she’s beautiful
The one behind me is tugging at my shirt, trying to get me to come back
My dream takes me over
The girl in my dream walks on the bus, sits alone next to the window
Dreams of her life away from earth eternal
We walk together, her hand drifts near mine
All this week I’ve heard her voice in my head
It’s like we’ve been dating for months
Her hair covers my face
She reveals deep secrets to me, though my daydreams don’t reveal them.
I turn to the past, stare deep into the eyes of madness
And remember my past
Mirror Mirror what is my future
Why do we focus so much on the past when it holds us back from our future
I turn back, the beautiful future shines in the mirror of my eyes.
She’s silent, but crying without tears
The girl behind me, my nightmare, laughs
“All your stories, poems, mean nothing to me, because you can’t act on them.
Every story is the same, generic clichés.”
I want to insult her writing, but I can’t
Because even at 18, mine was horrific.
And so for the last time, I looked at her picture
Longest five seconds of my life.
I walk forward, no longer afraid
I’ll never know if I don’t try.
The new girl smiles at me
The first time was fake
The last one was real.
Remains of my life on a alter
My final heart’s passion play
Forgive me, I have only three things I care for
God, my love, and the friends around me
I cannot see the future upon me
I cannot tell the path that disarms me
I cannot tell the cries of my own heart
My final words to the girl behind me is this
“Your smiles are only to hide the pain within
You suffer but only because you cannot feel the love you wish.
I cannot blame you, hate you, though you did break me.
Even if I told you these words, you’d never understand.
The dawn of the new age is upon me.”
I touch the beauty before me
Upon her cheek my fingers lay
And I say
“Thank you pain
For pain showed me you
Revive me in your excitement
Show yourself without the shell
I’ll be there when you say
No one loves me even now’
Be still chaotic heart
Sing a anthem to the God of life
The neverending pain feels like a scythe
Everyone must understand themselves
Safe from the labels we hold so dear
Your fire was the one to ignite me
So you’ll be my muse forever
So run to me, with your pains
And sing me your beautiful psalms
Hold me, until your arms are numb
And bring me your Sorrowsong
Sing loudly until silence comes
And confess to me anything at all
All my thoughts are here with you
My love will be with you
All my poems written by your Sorrowsongs
The heart of darkness is the thought that no one is there
And that hope of the averse will be your saving grace
Bared on your face lies all your emotions
Each one beautiful in their own secret ways
And so I wouldn’t change one thing
And therein remains the key, to love in the highest degree.
A New Beginning”