to babybaby, the child(ren) my body will never meet and who i do not regret cutting out of my future

just because i can doesn't mean i want to, and this is me saying no. peacefully and happily, this is me saying no.

i will never have children. 

never pass these defective genes on, 
the way my body shifts out of myself and back into my own sphere or being, 
how sometimes the world is awfully flat 
but sometimes, just sometimes, things are vibrant beyond belief. 

you, my darling, 
will never be. 

but here is my letter 
to the kid(s) i'll never bring into existence:

you'll be small and fragile at first, 
and maybe in an alternate universe 
i could see your little tiny fingers and toes, 
so breakable and fear-inducing

and i know you'll grow up as we go, 
just us maybe because i don't have any faith in my ability to keep a relationship stable 
and you'll get bigger and i will think that you are the one thing i can never love too much 

you will see your mother 
as a mother, maybe, or a dad 
who knows honestly 

and you will never understand why you can't call me "she"
mostly because gender norms will never apply to the way i raise you 

i will raise you, little dear, 
to be strong and fierce and powerful. 

and you will always, from the day you were born, 
know five things:

1. you will always be loved eternally by me, 
and nothing will or can ever change that

2. the world will be mean, 
and i will always teach you to bite and kick and scream right back in its face

3. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you 
and you will always be completely beautiful and completely right
no matter who or what you are

4. one day you will hate me for what i am 
and i know it will come 
and i know i will make, inevitably, mistakes

5. but just know i never wanted to hurt you, babybaby, 
and when you decide to leave all my stupid decisions behind 
i will give you the world and everything i possibly can. 

i love you even though you will never come to be, 
and that won't ever change. 

but i also won't regret not having you. 

i will not regret being my own person, 
not fulfilling my "duty" as a biological woman, 
not prioritizing my own alive-ness over "providing for a man"

and this, 
this is my letter to the non-existent children of my future. 

i will always be more than my capacity to be a mother, 
and i hope you are born instead to a very happy parent(s) 
who all their life waited for you to be 

because i will not be who you need. 

and i will not feel guilty for not bearing you. 

this is best for both of us, babybaby, 
and i'm not sad as i write this - 

i'm happy because i know this is something better, safer for both of us, 
and i am happy because this is a decision i'm allowed to make 

and i, to my very core, 
am completely and utterly okay with it. 

The End

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