three, just three, perfect triangle of those i am scared of losing

there are more, god knows, but here are the main ones. i present selfish friendships with RH, CC, and RS.

i have friends i don't deserve;

RH with her flash of red hair, 
curls down her back in a flood of crimson
and hips as wide as her self esteem

she is wonderful 
and i adore her truly
mostly because she's the closest thing i've ever had to a best friend 
and we've known each other for six years running
and we're so in sync it's like conversing with another part of yourself

she's too good for me
and i know i'm being selfish by keeping her
because she puts up with me when i can't breathe,
when my throat closes up and the only thing that exists is panic

and i'm far too broken for her
she deserves someone whole 
and i can't be happy enough to make her happy
i just want to be good enough
that i no longer feel guilty for being her friend. 

one day
she will rule the world
and i will be the shattered poet next to her 
but all that matters to me 
is that she doesn't end up hating me. 

i never want to break her heart.


CC, you are loved. 

please know that, 
when the world doesn't fit you 
and your skin doesn't either

when you don't want to eat 
and nausea swells in the back of your mouth
like bitter bile 

i am here, 
i will always be. 

and i know, i know, 
we're absolute messes together
melting into one another through static screens
i miss you like someone misses a dead personality of someone long evolved

i won't leave you, 
you're good at heart 
and interesting to listen to 
don't believe anyone who tells you differently. 

i know i can't fix your problems. 
i know sometimes i have too many problems

and all i can hope is that you get better. 


you are sweet like sugar
with an aftertaste of wine 

and i want you to know
that not a moment goes by
that i am sure i do not regret being friends with you

you mean an awful lot to me, 
a shaky nervous feather of a girl 
who is not afraid to be as critical as she wants

and i wish you didn't feel the need to apologize
every time you say something 
- because your opinions and feelings are valid and important
and i will always listen to you 
even when you have nothing but bad things to say

so i hope that if i ever leave, 
you will not miss me. 

The End

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