my heart on my sleeveMature

This is my honest heart, for the first time in a while. Confusion whips my head in circles.

What is freedom? 

Is it a place? 

A conscience decision that one makes? 

A decision to stop believing the lies I have told myself for so long?

Impossible.

Absurd.

These lies have become my half-truths.

I can see how they could be, after all part of them are true.

Where would I be without these....these thoughts? 

Who would I be without them?

I knew that girl when I was a child.

But now I am grown. 

And I am utterly lost.

Confusion whips my head in circles.

Second-guessing every move.

I used to wish this complex web was easier to understand and fix.

I used to wish to exchange places with someone who had a simpler time healing.

If only somebody I could tell somebody everything.

If I only I would allow myself to open up completely.

But I need to hide these things I tell myself.

Because if I don't.......

Who will I be?

These things define me.

They separate me from the common man.

They say it will make me "stronger" and stronger is what I want.

So I will torture myself with this constant state of disrepair.

Because quite frankly......

and here's the truth of the matter, plain and simple.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX MYSELF! 

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REVERT THE LIES! 

Because in my heart I know some of them are true.

How do I separate what I've done from the lies?

I WANT HEALING!

but I don't know how to go about getting it.

Won't someone please tell me what to do?

After I rip out my heart and wear it on my sleeve.

I'll tell you everything just tell me what to do.

I'm desperate.

Because I know that everybody I love will soon give up on me if I don't fake this healing.

But I know if I don't fake it, they'll give up on me.

Their love, their careful words, their glazed eyes to the subject.

But I also know if I fake it I'll never really heal.

Its a loser-loser situation.

Go through hell now.

Or go through hell two times more later. 

Please. 

Tell me what to do. 

Because I'm utterly and completely lost.

Caught up in this illusion of healing.

I can't do this anymore.

So my options are what?

Go back to Egypt.

Which sounds regretfully appealing.

Fake my healing.

Which sounds horribly unattractive.

Or continue to cope. 

Which I am already doing.

These are my only options. 

Until I decide, or someone tells me how to go about doing what I must,

I'll continue to kiss the ground, and take haggard steps to how knows where I will go next.

I'll cry at night, silently screaming.

But you'll never know because I hide from you during the day.

JESUS, SAVE ME! 

STOP THE VOICES OF CONFUSION, CONDEMNATION, PAIN!

The End

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