This Is For The Ice Queen, Who Is Leaving Home

my sister is leaving for university.
this is a letter, of sorts.
it's also a poem, of sorts.

listen, before you
run away, run away from us
and head for college,
i want to tell you a few things.

1. i never meant to give you so much flak.
before this, before i had bipolar,
i sort of hero-worshipped you.
but when - well, everything - happened,
i knocked you off your pedestal
so quickly that you got whiplash
from the sudden change in altitude. 

2. someday you're going to have to make a choice,
the one society forces us to make when we come of age.
there is an in-between, but you don't half-ass much.
you will have to choose if you want to
continue being the good-girl, or if you want
to get tattoos, piercings, mark yourself as different. 
i want you to know that you will still 
be my sister no matter what you choose. 

3. life is hard. it's supposed to be. 
but you need to keep going.
its much harder to stay alive
than it is to be dead, but you need to do this.
i'll let you decide the 'why' portion
for yourself, because only you
will be able to give yourself
a good enough reason to keep on living. 

4. you don't know me. 
i don't know me.
i have no bloody idea who i am.
so you need to acknowledge the fact
that i am nothing like what you imagine. 
i prefer words over acrylics
and you will never understand my motives. 
that's just the way this works. 

5. your mind will try its best to beat you down
until you begin to have a fear of heights
whenever you stand up for yourself. 
you can't let it. i'm not saying its easy,
but your mind will be your biggest enemy
until you can manage to make it
your biggest friend, until it synchronizes. 

6. i love you, but that means nothing.
i don't need to like you to love you. 
saying as such would only hurt your feelings,
but a bit of bruising never hurt anyone
(that's a lie, but i'm a compulsive liar occasionally)
my trust and my loyalty is worth so much more
than my actual love - and you still need to earn those. 

7. you have never been my best supporter.
you have hurt me, and you need to accept that.
i'm as close as i'll ever be to forgiving you,
but i will never forget - it's just not possible to.
you have constantly made me fell little, 
beat my hope and admiration into a pulp,
and ignored me to your the best of your abilities. 
you, my sister, have always been my largest bully
- right next to my own sick mind.

8. you never noticed when I changed
I'm not sure if that's because you never
really knew me in the first place
or if you didn't (don't) ever care,
and I'm also not sure which one
hurts more (that's a lie)

9. nothing really comes for free.
(except broken hearts and cheaply-made pens
and those hand-outs people give you 
on the streets - sometimes.)
be careful because if it really counts,
you will have to work hard for it.

10. so i wish you luck. 
because i share blood with you
and you deserve more than
what i can give you (more than i want to share)
and what you have given me (not much)
and this is a life to call your own,
one to make mistakes and shape as you will
and it has only just begun. 

The End

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