Things I Need To SayMature

Pardon me if I’m a little angry-
I’m rather illogical when it comes down to it, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll rant a bit,
get it all off my chest,
so that I can start over.

It always pissed me off that you always wrote for her,( I mean you wrote entire fucking collections for her while I spent entire nights waiting and writing my heart out for you)
but could never find the words to write for me
I mean
if I couldn’t even inspire words of love
but she could
then perhaps its best I left,
so you can love her in your own way
and I not distract you from it.

You can blame me for going
even though you told me at least once,
on the rare nights when you
decided to talk to me
in this last month and a half
that if I couldn’t “handle it”
then maybe I should just go and save you the trouble
and I’m sorry I’m gonna have rant poetry but goddamn it
Andy I can’t help it.

(Because)

I LOVE(D) YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF but when you go weeks feeling unwanted,
even by someone you know loves you
you begin to forget that they’d live for you
you start to forget that they even care
you don’t remember all the good things that you should easily be able to remember
but when he won’t tell you that he loves you over a video chat, but will say it
in a chat on facebook,it sticks in your brain more than all the typed out I love you's
and forgive me when I say that it just didn't seem…...believable to me.

(What would've been our six months is coming up soon.)

And yes. I still love you.
whether you’ll never get out of that house until the day you die,
I’ll love you.
And I’m sorry I left after making so many promises,
but I was tired of never being able to actually act as if we were in a relationship-
whether you admit it, accept it, claim it, we were together-
and I’m tired of fighting and waiting.

When you add up all the nights I waited for you,
it adds up to a month.
A month.
A whole fucking month out of nearly 6 spent together.
And I want to be with you,
but I wont. I dont know if you understand why,
but I can’t turn back because if I go back to you
I won’t get out alive.
I will die loving you and I’m not so sure if I’m okay with that anymore.

Pardon me,if I start to cry.
I've forced myself to move on already,
a new relationship with someone who isn't like you at all
and I think thats why I like him so much-
he doesn’t remind me of the complicated beauty that makes you you
and he always says ‘I love you’ first
and he makes sure I know he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the world
(BUT)
he can’t write poetry that makes my heart constrict with emotion-
you are a fire that sets my very core aflame
but he is a glowing ember, just looking for a place in my heart to set on fire
but there isn't any.
Every piece and crevice of my heart and soul are still occupied by you
and I compare him to you all the fucking time.
I love you in a way that I’ve never loved anyone nor anything before,
but I could never love you the way I wanted to since my love always seemed like a burden.

(So)

I will love him in the way I know how,
and hope that one day I can look back
and forget the way I failed you.
Because it wasn't you that messed up,
it was me and my insecurities.
My illogical fears.
My dark thoughts.
It wasn't you who was weak and couldn't hold on.
It was me.
I’m just mad at you for reminding me too late of how much you care...

The End

252 comments about this poem Feed