Things Lost

Lines broken to help it read easier, but it should be read according to punctuation.

I opened my eyes and was crying
searched for a reason why and found none,
then I thought of that time my sister said
she'd never cried without a reason before
and then I thought of my sister.
And then my mind returned back to you.

I remember that time when our heartbeats were one at the oceanside
I thought that I knew you but I didn't
then we were there again
you didn't know me
and then I never saw you again
or at least I don't think I will.

I think of the things I feel like I'm watching a movie
sometimes I'm even sympathetic
other times I wish I could just get a grip
but I never say anything because then it would be real
— I wouldn't just be acting anymore.

I feel like someday I'll see my sister again,
maybe even at the ocean,
and it'll be like when we were small
she would kick my masterpieces down,
sand under my fingernails, tear-soaked imaginings,
and so much rage at her disrespect,
as if she didn't know my pain,
as if she didn't see my heart in my eyes when I left her,
the relief when I saw her face again,
and the jealousy of the lesser-loved child.

Sometimes I sit with my soul in the dark
and my head in a room I don't understand
on soil that doesn't belong to me
and I wait for everything to make sense,
for the people I've loved and lost
to come back and hold me one last time
before disappearing forever back
into the abyss in which they now live,
as if that would ever make it all make sense again.
But it's never going to make sense again.

Sometimes I wonder if I've actually lost anything.

The End

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