I stayed up late, I drank with friends, I whooped and laughed and cheered,

And did all that I could to welcome in a brand new year.

We all joined hands as midnight came and all sang ‘Auld Lang Syne’,

And made some resolutions, which we said we’d keep this time.

I promised that I’d stay in shape and maybe join a gym,

I made myself believe that I could actually be slim.

And now, of course I’m five days in and that’s gone off the rails,

I ate so much at Christmas that I broke the bathroom scales,

I’m still as plump as ever, though I really shouldn’t whinge,

It’s really my own fault for that disgusting chocolate binge.

 

As most of them were partying and quaffing all that booze,

I thought there must be more for me than just some weight to lose,

So there and then I vowed that I would get some new attire,

Because that orange fleece I own is looking rather dire.

It’s time to get some new clothes in, be more fit to be seen,

For this is the New Year and I’m a brand new human bean.

I got a pair of jeans home but they looked like they might split.

I’ve clearly now gone up a size, the rest will never fit.

I hate this thing with sequins and that hoodie’s far too red,

What the devil was I thinking, must have gone soft in the head!

 

So then I made another resolution I could keep,

I thought I’d get a dia-ry and use it every week.

I had one this time last year but it ended up quite blank,

Apart from a few birthdays and the number for the bank.

So out I went and got one and it’s such a lovely thing,

It’s red and gold and sparkly and you tie it closed with string.

The first few days I filled it in with musings, wit and farce,

But now the thing I jot down are becoming rather sparse.

Still, it’s a lovely notebook which I can’t just throw away,

So I put it in a safe place should I need the thing someday.

 

Lastly, I resolved to get a hobby of some kind,

And get off this old couch to which I’ve had myself resigned.

I must, I said, get active, maybe take up a new sport,

To burn some extra calories out on the tennis courts.

But the sport centre was fully booked, and so, to my dismay,

I found myself attending book club with my Auntie May.

It was a horror story, so I rushed back home again,

This intellectual broadening was too much of a strain.

I sprawled out on the sofa with a bowl of last night’s stew,

Kicked off my shoes, let down my hair and put on ‘Scooby Doo.’

 

I’ve never kept my promises, I must be beyond hope,

Or are there other people who feel like they’ll never cope?

This New Year thing’s a misery, a joke at our expense,

We think that we can change but then the load is too immense.

Resolve too much and break your word and have a hissy fit.

Maybe we should step back and look at the size of it.

Who says we have to lose the weight, or stop biting our nails,

Or flock like frightened sheep into the January Sales?

Let’s be the same old people that we were five days ago,

Yes, I resolve to not improve and just let myself go!

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