The Hardest Part

t's not very good, but I wanted to write something about my time in the hospital, after giving birth to my daughter and the adoption thereafter. I'll probably write better ones later.

I'd like to add that with the exception of two nights after the c-section, the woman who adopted her stayed by our side at the hospital. She's an amazing woman, and the perfect mother for our Emilie. But, I went into this so confident and sure of myself... It's different when you hold her in your arms, when you

I held George's hand as the numbness began, drifting in and out
Of consciousness as they began to slice my body open,
Pushing forth a beautiful baby girl into the world.

I held my daughter in my arms and watched her large eyes
Dart around the room, full of curiosity as men and women flocked
And doted and cooed at her.

I held my daughter as my husband smiled above me, his eyes full of love and
Warmth as the halogen bulbs blazed in the ceiling above, blinding me, whiting out
All but the three of us from my vision.

I held my daughter as I bled from my womanhood, struggling to stand
Against the cloud of physical agony piercing my lower abdomen as I 
Fought my way to her crib to lay her to sleep.

I held my daughter in the silent room, defenseless in the darkness that
Crept about my bed, lurking in corners and threatening to devour my sanity. 
I knew this would tear me apart.

I held my daughter while everyone praised my strength, my
Resolve, my selflessness. I'm glad they couldn't see how their
Glowing adoration made everything more painful.

I watched my daughter while her new mother fed her, laughing and 
Cheerful as their eyes locked and our baby grinned, feeling the
First pangs of sorrow behind my false smile.

I held my daughter as I signed the papers in their proper
Places, failing to hold back the flood of hot tears as they 
Ran down my cheeks and onto the drying ink.

I held my daughter in my arms while my husband slept soundly
On the simple couch against the wall, knowing that our
Time together had finally run out.

I held my head in my palms and sobbed uncontrollably,
Praying someone would rush to comfort me, to help me stand tall despite my weakness.
No one appeared; I wept alone.

I held the woman in my arms, crying silently against her shoulder as
The wind whirled and bit at my back. She was so grateful, so ecstatic…
This was the best course of action.

I held my Cody against my breast, the feel of his scratchy fur a relief
As my eyes began to dry. With George beside me and the road unfolding before us,
I felt a little twinge of pride. "This is for the best".

I can finally agree.

The End

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