I realised I don't ruin things on purpose like I thought I had been doing.
I haven't been throwing things away in an effort to protect myself.
I've just been pushing them so far to the edge
Thinking I'd be able to catch things If they fell when I didn't want them to.
But I pushed them onto ledges and then when they stumbled I pushed...
I pushed them, In a way that it looked like they had just fell...
Because at least I can pretend I'm a victim
I can cry over my fairytale version of what i pushed onto the cliffs
Then forget why I pushed it there in the first place
I can forget that I did it, that I'm guilty.
I feel like I expected more of you, Like I thought no matter how hard I pushed you onto the rocks you still thought there was something worth struggling for.
I feel like you made the choices he did, and It's made me break.
Because I've spent what seems like a forever, pushing, expecting that eventually someone will push back and recognise that there's something to wait for.
No, I didn't think that was you.
But I thought it was him, then the next, the one after that, and the others that followed.
I thought because I never expected anything from you, I wouldn't break.
But you unknowingly pointed out that I'm no good, because there is always someone better, there is always someone kinder. There is always someone normal to put your efforts into.
I'm to be avoided
I'm a time passer, a temporary fix
I'm just good conversation
I'm a willing distraction
and now every time I talk to you, I see what happened.
I see how I came less than second, time and time again and how no matter who I try to be, Or even If I'm myself...
It's not enough.
Because I pushed myself to the edge, and no one could find a reason to catch me when I fell.
Because I Jumped.
And smiled as I spiralled.