The Decision

I found out that my 17 year old sister is pregnant. She isn't considering abortion, at least not that i know of anyway. She's always wanted a child, but I wonder if she hates the fact that she will never get out of our small hometown.
I don't really know where this came from, but I figure these would be the thoughts of a girl contemplating ending the existence that was forming in her womb....this girl would be strong and as much as I pity her, I admire the girls like the one I've written abo

It makes me happy that you love me,but I don't deserve to be happy.  

You don't know the pain that I'm putting you through,

you don't know the heartache coming your way and I just have to say,

it kills me that I'm the one doing this to you-

it kills me that I'm the one hurting you like this.

It kills me to see the pain in your eyes when i flinch from your touch

all because I don't want you thinking about me too much-

but I think my lack of ability to openly love makes you think about me even more. 

I could tell you,

that the magic of your lips send shivers down my spine, and I wouldn't be lying,

but then you would think I loved you and I do,

but you can't know that, it would break you,

and I don't want to be the one who ends you.

I cant tell you about the stirring of life in my stomach,you'd probably want to keep it,

but it can't live, it can't grow.

because if it grows the future I could've had grows smaller-

but if it goes....if it goes the world becomes a million times broader.

 

mommy can't you hear me, keep me ,keep me. let me live i will do everything there is to make you happy, what does daddy think of this?

His opinion doesn't matter, plus he will never know. he can never know. 

mommy,mommy why won't you let me live?

You don't know what its like out here, you don't know how the world works, you should be thanking me, I'm saving you from hell while condemning myself to go there.

mommy,mommy, what would jesus do?

don't even speak of religion, you know nothing about it!

what would Jesus do?Jesus never had sex, he doesn't know what its like to be 17 and pregnant, he doesn't know what its like to have everyone judge you. Do you not think that this kills me? Ending your life before it even had a beginning .. it kills me. A piece of my soul withers and dies every time I lie to him, every time I look at him without telling him...

mommy,mommy, why won't you let me live?

You don't even exist yet, not really. And I need a future,I can't have that with you crying in the next room. Thats not the life i planned,not the life I want- I can't be tied down here in the middle of nowhere. I can't. I can't and I won't. I'm sorry, but you have to go.

but mommy, mommy, i love you!

You don't even know what love is.And,god, if you did-

love is knowing that 

every single time i see him now, it will hurt.

That he isn't really a part of my life anymore-

he will soon realize my heart of ice and stone and leave me.

There will be no more warmth in these arms that will always be waiting for him.

I love him, more than life itself,

but the secrets that this body has held...

well, you will always be that one thing I can never bring myself to tell.

The End

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