I am sick.
My body is tired, and I feel nothing but pain in my stomach, joints, and chest.
And I am scared.
I am scared that I don’t have a choice anymore. I am terrified that the stupid mistakes I’ve made in the last 6 years are catching up to me fast, and that another 6 years maybe too much to ask, let alone another lifetime. I’m terrified that the future with the person I love may not even be a possibility anymore...I’m terrified of dying just when I’ve really begun to live,laugh, to love.
The day after Christmas I will find myself in the hospital, probably in one of those hideous hospital gowns that will display my ass to everyone….there will be needles and x-rays and doctors galore….I will be there only one day, but ‘m sure it will feel like weeks.
I hate doctors, and hospitals, and all that they stand for. But, i will be subjected to them all on a weekly basis, if it is what they fear it is.
And I’m petrified to hear their thoughts. I’m avoiding the thoughts until I have to face them. It is supposed to be a happy holiday….I’m not going to let this ruin anything.
Its just that….for the record….I’m scared of this major “what if”....I’m scared of what it means….I’m scared of everything ending before I’ve gotten a chance to even really start.
I’m scared that I won’t be able to be fixed.