light-strewn nights and heavy weight

i am a mess of
touch-scared shaking mass of a girl
(not even a girl some days)
and i 
didn't ever want to enter my teenage years
for fear of this exact thing

because the stars are nothing more to me
than a nightlight
their vagabond presence 
dulled by the brightness of screens
that hold much more allure than
a few balls of gas
burning so high in the sky

my conscience is a felled tree
a whisper to ignorance
and a dagger to hearts
it is not gentle
it is not sensitive
it is only there when needed
and not always wanted

because my heart stutters
like the first time you spoke to your crush
a loaded gun, an overdue promise,
we sink with each word we utter,
someday the world evens out the scale,
and do you know how far you'll be in debt
when the judgement day comes?

The End

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