The Author's Epic

A jaunty epic depicting the love and lunacy that accompanies crafting a story ... Does this situation sound familiar to anyone?

I'm an author by trade and,
I'm writing a book.
I'm really excited,
Won't you take a look?
It's got action and fun,
And battles galore,
A bit of romance,
And a whole lot of gore!
My hero's a charmer,
A really nice guy,
He's got lots of friends
And he makes a good pie.
His princess is gorgeous,
His sidekick's a laugh,
But my nasty villain
Will make you all barf!
The adventure begins,
On a dark stormy night,
Now please do excuse me,
I gotta go write!

The plot's getting on
And my fingers are sore,
I'm not eating well
And I sleep on the floor.
But I do not mind,
‘Cause I'm having fun,
I've just finished page
One hundred and one!
The plot's getting thicker,
My hero's in trouble,
There's been a rockslide and
He's trapped in the rubble!
But please have no fear,
Salvation's at hand,
In the form of a bandit
And his merry band!
Please make me some coffee,
No time to relax,
Must finish this scene quick
Before I collapse!

The end is in sight but
It's not coming quick.
My vision is swimming,
I feel really sick.
My prose has gone wobbly,
SPG down the pot,
And some nasty critter's
Run off with my plot.
I've lost the princess'
Tiara somewhere -
And someone explain why
The horse has pink hair.
I have to keep going,
I'm nearing the end,
Hope I reach it ‘fore I
Go right round the bend!

My last page is typed and
The questing is done.
Lost count somewhere round page,
My baddie's gone splat, it's
Happ'ly ever after.
My hero's gone home with
His wife and his daughter.
But, dear lord, what is this,
Please say it's not mine,
- The mangled-up corpse of
My whole storyline.
I'm holding back tears and
I'm down on my knees
‘Cause my plot resembles a
Piece of Swiss cheese!

The scenes are all jumbled,
My spelling's a shame.
My characters seem to have
Multiple names!
This isn't an epic,
A Sci-Fi or spoof,
It's so awful I want to
Jump off the roof.
Oh horror of horrors,
The terror of nations,
It's full of horrid
Purple prose infestations!
I'm an author by trade,
My work here is done,
Now please could you hand me
That loaded shot-gun? 

The End

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