Thank You

This is my first spoken-word written. It's got a little bit of everything in here, actually. Got my anorexia, the rape, some fights, and some extras in here for ya'll to enjoy. Thanks!

Today, I drove to town
And as I was driving I thought to myself
How easy it would be to just let go
Let go of the steering wheel and crash
Crash, crashing like my life did
My life went crash, and all my hopes
Everything I've ever aspired to be came crashing down
Downward toward the floor I'd worked so hard to get up from
Down where my silhouette is still visible because I was a doormat
And I thought that was my place,
Let them do their thing, just wait for it to end
But it never ended, did it?
Did it? The social workers ask me
Were you hurt? Yes, I answer
But you did nothing
Nothing was done to stop the pain from
Tearing into my body
I tore my heart open just to make more room
I tore my skin open to make room for the blade
I tore my stomach open to drain the food
And I tore my hair out when I still wasn't good enough
Will I ever be good enough for you?
When will I have done enough for you to want me?
To love me?

I remember when I was still a child, still believed
In God, in love, and in fairy tales
All of them are intertwined, without an ending
Because it can't be happy, and it can't be sad
So it shouldn't ever end, should it?
I believed trust should be given, as freely as an uncaged bird
And I trusted you, every part of you
I believed love was in excess, that I just had to find it
But I never did, it always kept running away
In the opposite direction

I remember when I was told I had an ED
That's eating disorder, like when women
Weren't happy with themselves, they starvED
They still do, I ate nothing for the sake of being lovED
Being beautiful, wantED, like your belovED
Like you love everyone else, everyone but me
Remember when you promisED to always be there?
I guess promises are futile, aren't they?
Always being editED, changED, to suit your own desires
Remember when you callED me and asked for forgiveness?
I don't, either.

Sometimes I lay awake at night
Just lying on my bed
Lying to myself, saying I'm worth it
Saying I'm worth better, more than you think I am
But it was a lie, just like your lies
Because your world lies to me
Just like I lie to all of you
I quit cutting, that one's true though
I quit smoking, that's a lie
I just quit when I get near my Grandma, because
I've hurt her enough by not being there
As much as I should be
I quit drugs, that's true
Because every time, I think of you
How you lied to me, ruined my trust in you
When you told me your love for meth was through
I'm supposed to look up to you
You're my brother, that's what we do, isn't it?
I quit crying, that's a lie
Because I never cry in the first place
At least not where you can see me
Hear me screaming out my rage at myself
Because I'm not as good as everyone else
I quit trying, that's a lie too
I'm always trying to win you over
Trying to be the perfect light in your otherwise
Ugly world, full of lies
Just like the lies I hide in my eyesight
I just look away.

Sometimes, I play my music really loud
And my sister would get mad at me
Because she can't hear her tunes over mine
And my parents would say it makes me
Anti-social, that was the word
But I'm really social with the voices in my head
No, they don't speak to me
They're memories, lodged into my subconscious
Replaying over and over, reminding me of history
And I don't want to hear, don't want to listen, so
I turn my music up louder, and louder still
Til I break my earphones and have to get new ones
And I break those, too, but I still hear the memories

Sometimes, when I write, I forget why I'm writing
I think I'm doing it to please people
To get some money, maybe make a living off of it someday
Some days, I forget why I started--
To stay sane, through the turmoil and pain
I should have that memorized, I guess
I'll work on that

I'm not going to write about how I wish I could hate
For more than a minute, as minute the issue is
I wish I could pause every minute I'm with you
So I can just live in that moment, just that one minute
And relive that minute over and over until
I have it memorized, every second of that minute
And every minute thought you have, I want to know
Because I'm just that interested in you

And I want you to know, that I love everything in my life
Because though it's almost over, though I will die relatively soon
There's nothing I would take back, ever
Every person has affected me, both good and bad
But the bad influences made me better, made me a better
Person, with a better personality
And I thank you for that
So thank you.

The End

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