sometimes i make bad decisions and i'm sorry, i've been so awfully silent recently and i doubt anyone cares but i promise it's not anything about this site

i know
i've been a little quiet lately. 

no responses for comments, 
and i promise i'll get to that soon, 
but i just. 
can't handle that right now

maybe on the weekend, i think.

anyways, i doubt it matters much, 
but there it is. 

i've been struggling, 
i guess. 
fighting with invisible demons
and shadowboxing myself

and yes, 
there's been the cutting
and i don't know why i've started again
or why so much
but my hips look like a warzone

and darling, you have no idea how much i want
to drag that very same blade
across my veins

but i won't
half because i'm scared of pain
and half because i'm scared of what would happen
if it didn't work. 

this was probably the deepest time, 
and they sting, 
seeping red into my bandages
but i -
can't stop, sh-t,
i'll find a way, 
i have to. 

and i know, i know, 
i sound like a little boy
standing in traffic 
and yelling, 
"C'est des conneries!" 
to the oncoming cars

that probably doesn't make any sense
but i suppose i'm not functioning on 100% right now

so i'm sorry, 
for being silent
and for being such an idiot so much, 
merde, there's just been so much going on in the world
and in the grand scheme of things, 
i feel tiny. 

even though i also seem
to only feel everything. 

The End

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