At 12:16 AM, it is the worst time to be awake. The bed creaks and I imagine a monster. At this hour, drunken parties turn out their spinning lights and heads. I let mine run round in circles. I reach for the phone, then remember you are asleep, and that I’m no longer allowed to call. Am I supposed to pretend I can dream without you? Not be afraid without you? Be human, without you? I’ll get on a rocket ship and fly to the moon; I’d still be as close to you right here, right now, lying next to me.
At 12:16 AM, life is an extreme. Everything is hilarious and heartbreaking. And hollow. My head aches, my eyes droop. Nothing shuts down. My mind buzzes with monotone thoughts; a CD skipping over the same song again and again. “Goodbye goodbye goodbye....” If I closed my eyes and returned to what we used to be, I’d sell my soul to hear you say “I hate you.” I’d do anything for that one last. One last kiss, one last smile. One last word, just not “Goodbye goodbye goodbye....”
At 12:16 AM, nothing makes sense. I can’t recall why you left, or what I said. My soul feels like a broken rib pressed against my skin. I toss and turn my bed into knots, but the pain refuses to stop. I think of your arms around me and I feel cold. I think of your breathing so soft, so calm, and I’m suddenly gasping for air. I play all those sweet words you said in my head, but nothing can drown out the single disaster that crushed my life. “Goodbye goodbye goodbye....”
At 12:16 AM, my mind is a vivid movie. I can see you and her, curled up together. I can smell the perfumes of laughter and liquor. I can taste the betrayal on my mouth. I scrub myself but the memory sticks, like an unwanted zit. Just go, just leave, get out of my head. She touches your cheek and my stomach churns. I turn away but my eyes continue to watch. Does she taste like me? Kiss like me? Love like me? Does she make you feel complete? While here I am crying for you, you bury your tears between her legs. One word, that’s all I needed. “Sorry.” I would forgive. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” But you aren’t. Instead, it’s me in the end that is wishing I could apologize for your mistake and make everything go away.
At 12:16 AM, I wonder if life goes on, and if it does, what’s the point? If love is all you need, and love is the only thing I can’t get, what happens to people like me? Do we just fade into the oblivion of “Could have beens”. We could have been great. Got married. Had kids. Had a family. You bought me a diamond, so why didn’t that mean forever? Why is there no warranty on love? If it didn’t work out, can’t I return it and get my time back? Instead I’m stuck with a thousand happy moments in a box that I can’t bare to look at or destroy. My heart screams questions that all boil down to “Why why why...” while my brain keeps replaying “Goodbye goodbye goodbye...”
At 12:16 AM, I realize it’s 3:01 instead. I realize I spent 3 hours crying over you. I realize we are finally through. I realize that the best these tears, these questions, these fears could ever do, is hurt me, instead of drowning you. I realize that your heart is at peace, at sleep, while mine races, still wide awake. I remember that look on your face. I remember the words I could never say, and it plays again, “Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...” except now finally I see. You never spoke. It was always me.