So, I research a lot of different disorders, maybe no very healthy. I've done it for a long time to try and put a name to what's wrong with me. Because depression in my mind has never been enough of a description.
I'd come across ones where I had a few of the traits but it didn't fit so i looked for others. Then a few weeks ago I came across a Wikipedia page for Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the list of traits and it was yes after yes. It shocked me so much I actually cried a little.
So you want to have AvPD?
Watching, always watching.
Every movement, every little muscle tense and change of tone.
Every choice of word
Carefully analysed and stored.
Categorising who you meet.
Safe or unsafe. Black or white.
If their unsafe, better move on.
They'll judge me.
Criticize me. Make me feel worthless.
If their safe still tread with care.
Even they could be thinking away.
New place. New food. Don't like it, no.
New face. Huge group. Don't like, no.
Must avoid, must run and hide.
Dragged against my will.
“Be sociable already, silly child!”
Sit quietly in corner and listen to the conversation.
She calls people ugly.
He jokes about others behind their backs.
They approach to talk to me.
No, I won't, you'll do the same about me.
It's inevitable right?
Because I'm so socially inept.
Invited to a party? I'll pass.
Sit home alone and fantasize instead.
Better in my head.
Make a better version of myself.
Make a better world to live in.
One where I know everyone is safe.
Where I have complete control over every action.
So, you want to have AvDP?
Want to suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder?
Well, you don't have much choice in the matter.
Starts so young.
You don't like the bullies.
Don't like the harsh words.
You build the wall.
You appear so nice, forcing your humour and smiles.
Go out of your way to be liked.
Certain there's no way someone could accept you.
People want to understand
But you don't want to explain.
Your embarrassed now, horribly humiliated.
God, they're all judging me now.
They think I'm helpless, weak, a pathetic mess.
And honestly I agree.
So, you still want to have AvPD?