You're not the same person I remember
and I'd rather sit here trying to make sense of what your loss means
than face the repulsion I have to emotion
[anywhere that's not on a page]
Yes, I'm a selfish coward,
too full of self loathing to accept what value I may bring
in the awkward silence I'm not smart enough to break
too concerned with how this affects me
than what's happening to you
exploiting your suffering for my own egotistical philosophies
my chivalry shines through when I chasten myself for watching comedy - to make *me* feel better
you know; "in times like this"
Even now, more concerned with what a jerk *I* must be
not wanting to see you die.
when you're the one that's dying...
So, I'll go and see you off, and I hate that I hate it
because I should in some way, want to see you one last time
you know to belabor this, it's the one last time that's bothering
You know, that being said, lemme just go on. Of course, you'll never see this poem. And it's not even a poem. It's utter crap.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?!
I *FIX* things, or I laugh at them. This one's new.
Who am I mad at? Obviously not you. Doctors? Cancer? Check. Then here comes the whole rant about industrial pollutants, from a smoker -- a smoker who counted on sneaking out for a smoke with you, because even at 35, your parents didn't know, counted on having many more years to do that.
It was my own arrogance, my own taking it all for granted that everyone would be here when I clicked my heels three times and came back from my f__ing lalaland adventures and now, well, here we are, the word on the street is they've told you there's nothing they can do, and I'd rather not believe them.
This "visit" has an ugly ring to it, and I choose to disregard it. Boy, I wish I could write you an actual letter. Yet, that just seems so contrived and final -- even when I knew you were sick, I sent you one e-mail. Atta boy. Master of, oh, what's the word? Obviously not of words.
I can sure describe a 2009 Ford Ranger! You know, the things I do for the human race would make Nelson Mandela proud.
Trevor, go f__k yourself.