Shakespeare Reworked

Some of the classics reworked by your fellow protagonizers for hilarious results.

Hamlets Soliloquy Act  III Scene I Lines 56-90

This piece was written by me and performed by my friend and I for a school talent show - it's called 'The Talking Shull Routine' - The piece was played with my friend dressed completely in black with a painted skull on her face - and I was in full 'Hamlet' mode, I held her 'skull' like those annoying screenplays and the whole piece pretended that Hamlet didn't notice the skull until the very end line -  Enjoy!

Hamlet: To be or not to be – that is the question.

 

Skull: Why can’t you just make your mind up?

 

Hamlet: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

 

Skull: Oh god, you masochists (mass-o-kissts) are all the same.

 

Hamlet: ‘Tis a consummation, devoutly to be wished. To die,  to sleep. To sleep perchance to dream, ay, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come? When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There’s the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

 

Skull: Is Corrie on tonight?

 

Hamlet: For who would bear the whips and scorns of time?

 

Skull: Oooo this is getting interesting!

 

Hamlet: The oppressor’s wrong – the proud man’s contumely. The pangs despised love, the law’s delay.

 

Skull: You’re telling me – it took the police three days to come round when we were burgled!

 

Hamlet: The insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit – of the unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make.

With a bare bodkin, who would fardels bear?

 

Skull: You can keep your bare fardels to yourself sweetie!

 

Hamlet: To grunt and sweat under a weary life.

 

Skull: You try working at Tesco’s then!

 

Hamlet: But that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will.

 

Skull: Sounds like the London Underground to me!

 

Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all!

 

Skull: I’m not a coward – if you say that again it shall be scented bootlaces at fifty yards at dawn tomorrow!

 

Hamlet: And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought. And enterprise of great pitch and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action. Soft you now, the fair Ophelia, nymph in thy orisons.

 

Skull: Sounds more like nymphomaniac to me

 

Hamlet: Be all my sins remembered!

 

Skull: If you’re quite finished, I would grateful if you shut up, so I can get back to eternal sleep, or you could say it again but quieter then I’m sure to doze off.

 

Hamlet: Oh Bugger, it’s alive!

 

The End

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