shadows faded out on dying buildings, all the people here before me and who will ever be here - destruction we may not live to seeMature

trigger warning for suicide and self-harm

and i did, 

i did want to die before. 
but now it's different: 

the thin line between 
not minding if you died tomorrow
and actively desiring for it to happen
has been crossed

but it's less like a small step 
and more like a stumbling run

and i can't tell anyone - 
the guidance counsellor i've been to see
a grand total of three times over two years
opens every time with how she will have to tell someone
if i pose a risk to myself or others

and this is a pretty huge damn risk. 

i can't have my parents knowing, though, 
they're insufferable enough as it is
and after the scare of MC, 
they're more likely to put me in a facility
than actually try to help me

i relapsed and i'm so fucking angry at myself
angry because i know i should regret it 
but instead i just get a greasy, curling feeling in my stomach
and i don't think that equates to guilt 

but this time it stung, 
bitter blood beading up without prompting 
and i cannot bring myself to feel disgust at myself anymore
trust me, i have enough left over to last a lifetime

and i'm so tired, 
t i re d

because sometimes i cross a street and i wonder what would happen 
should i just stop walking and let a car hit me 
or staring at the subway as it rushes into the station
wind buffeting my face
and rolling the thought of jumping over and over in my head
the only reason i haven't yet

is because the driver would have to live with that
and all the other transit passengers would have to experience that

and i will do that to myself but not to them
they don't deserve that and it would be cruel of me

and when i leave, 
i want to do it quietly and low-profile
and hurt as small a number of people as possible

maybe i'll just be an asshole for a week so nobody'll miss me
but i'd be afraid of offending anybody
so i guess that wouldn't really work well

and my life lately is like 
i'm walking through a library with a lighter open and flickering in my hand 

and the only people who would see it coming, 
my demise, death, leaving, becoming gone, whatever you choose to call it 
are the people on this site and CC

because if nothing else, 
we are broken together. 

the issue is that i don't know if that will be enough. 

The End

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