Seasoning

It was so long ago that I knew what I was
I ran away from it, all just because,
I was worried, scared and upset.

A decoy dream and a hiding place,
I used to maintain my insanity's grace
The signs I put out were false.

I was hidden, shrouded and protected,
I believed I wouldn't be affected,
By the truth that I held within

The manipulated minds always made me proud,
I had fun up there on my mysterious cloud.
But sometimes I started to wonder...

The thoughts were so unnerving I hid.
I put on a mask and hastily I fled,
To bury myself in my closet
I was worried and paranoid and so I dreamt,
That my life would be more easily kempt,
And I pretended that it was...

Go and go now, a little deeper a little more,
It was a constant thought, a constant chore.
How did I ever manage?

I wanted to live and not be a ghost.
To all of my fears and my tears, a host,
I was merely a lifeless charade.

I became so focused, so out of mind,
That I lost my vision and I became blind,
To all the reliable love around me

I thought of myself as completely damned,
My entire life, stark, brutal, condemned,
And I prayed every day for change.
Things eventually became too much,
They wore me down and I lost my clutch,
I took a break, a leave, a vacation.

At first it was only sheer relief,
But then to my utter, crushing, disbelief,
The warning signs remained.

I was in trouble and I was stuck underground.
But with nothing to lose and no one around,
I found an answer, a reason, a solution.

Everything pointed to suicide which I refused.
I couldn't believe that this was the truth!
And I buried myself again...

My vacation ended and my prayers increased.
I asked God if he would rather me deceased.
His only answer was yes.
I asked myself if I wanted to live
As a wholly imprisoned fugitive,
And I found no peace of mind.

Oh I wanted to live, and never be sad.
I wanted to live, to fly, and be glad.
Was this something I could afford?

I struggled and drowned, oh what did I know?!
I needed someone to show me the right way to go,
So I ended in crucifying myself...

Three months not three days before resurrection,
I hung myself up to die in perfection,
Killing was only the first step.

I was a lovely wilting white rose bush.
Dying in winter's cold seizing push
A martyred victim, necessary to rebirth
I plummeted down with unending cries!
Underground, under snow, under fiery ice,
Lays my burial, tomb and my grave

As the thing that I am a death is always needed.
For my glorious seasonal birth repeated
I'll find new roots and I'll grow again.

The brittle ice receded and the snow melted away,
I grew stronger and taller every single day,
With new strength, new courage, new hope.

A massive change was what took place,
Bringing me up into a more joyful race,
A better place to reside...

The sun shone in my new world with glee!
My life was unhidden, not burdened and free!
I'll have everything now that I should want.
I want to live, prosperously, successfully me.
And this will happen, ensured destiny.
At least until autumn comes again...

And so the Easter time festivals come back again,
I am the glee, the abundance, the joy within them,
The picturesque pastel production,

Why is it that you decided not to preach?
Is my self-satisfaction enough to impeach
Your slanderous ministry?

So leave me to shed my leaves and flowers.
I'll only be dead until spring's warm showers
Wake me up again...

Because I found the answer not from an outside force,
Not a book, a website, nor a college course.
I found it inside myself.

The End

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