saying goodbye to the little girl i used to be

i know who you wanted to be.

i know you wanted to be prime minister one day,
i know you wanted to be beautiful one day,
i know you wanted to be perfect one day.

i know that none of those came true.

hey, it's me.
your depression-recovering,
bi-romantic, asexual, 
genderqueer, writer,
future self.

i wish i could be who you wished to be.
I wish i was athletic, pretty, ambitious. 
i wish i had been more than i am now.

but kids can be mean.
god, can they be cruel.

so you, little girl,
never got past my thirteenth birthday.

i loved you.

nobody else did, no, everyone else despised
the little girl with temper issues and a loud mouth
and advanced books and math difficulties
and a habit for the odd and strange.

you were hated. 

but i loved you.

i know you often forget that,
but i loved you so hard my heart burst.
it imploded so that i was nothing.

and when i was nothing,
i was everything.

i was myself,
and you hated me. 

you hated me 
so much that you died.

you died and left me behind. 

i am not you,
but i miss you every day.

because it would have been so much easier,
you little girl. 
i would have been a lesbian, but that's okay,
i would have been pretty and i would have been fine.

but i am not - 
i am ugly and unathletic and i am not fine. 

but i am different.

i like star trek a lot. 
i watch anime,
i read classic literature,
socks make me happy.

i'm a nerd,
i try too hard,
i am a sad person.

i do not know who i want to be.

i do not know what i want to be,
i do not know how to be anything but me,
i do not know how to be perfect.

but i'm learning to love myself.

i still love you, little girl i used to be,
but i'm letting you go.

it's time to dig your perfectly-manicured
sparkly pink nails back out from my ribs.

let me breathe without the weight of you
sitting on my chest, crushing my lungs.

The End

0 comments about this poem Feed