i know who you wanted to be.
i know you wanted to be prime minister one day,
i know you wanted to be beautiful one day,
i know you wanted to be perfect one day.
i know that none of those came true.
hey, it's me.
i wish i could be who you wished to be.
I wish i was athletic, pretty, ambitious.
i wish i had been more than i am now.
but kids can be mean.
god, can they be cruel.
so you, little girl,
never got past my thirteenth birthday.
i loved you.
nobody else did, no, everyone else despised
the little girl with temper issues and a loud mouth
and advanced books and math difficulties
and a habit for the odd and strange.
you were hated.
but i loved you.
i know you often forget that,
but i loved you so hard my heart burst.
it imploded so that i was nothing.
and when i was nothing,
i was everything.
i was myself,
and you hated me.
you hated me
so much that you died.
you died and left me behind.
i am not you,
but i miss you every day.
because it would have been so much easier,
you little girl.
i would have been a lesbian, but that's okay,
i would have been pretty and i would have been fine.
but i am not -
i am ugly and unathletic and i am not fine.
but i am different.
i like star trek a lot.
i watch anime,
i read classic literature,
socks make me happy.
i'm a nerd,
i try too hard,
i am a sad person.
i do not know who i want to be.
i do not know what i want to be,
i do not know how to be anything but me,
i do not know how to be perfect.
but i'm learning to love myself.
i still love you, little girl i used to be,
but i'm letting you go.
it's time to dig your perfectly-manicured
sparkly pink nails back out from my ribs.
let me breathe without the weight of you
sitting on my chest, crushing my lungs.