A piece about saying goodbye and contradictory to the end of the poem, I am still winning.
Every day I wake up and my mind is instantly inhabited by thoughts of her
Thoughts of the one who everyday has assisted me in beginning my hours of daylight
I would surface, make a cup of tea and sit in the seat in my kitchen window, watching as the sun kissed the ground
Always accompanied by her smell, which seems to spend large amounts of time just lingering around.
Then, leaving through the door on route to carrying out a day of work in the office
My head would ring loudly with the sound of which ever bluegrass track I had opted for that morning
However my ear for the music was distracted because the fact I was missing her was causing my mind to wander away from the banjos and guitar
And focus only on the reality, that I have had to make the journey to my job alone with no assistance from her
Once in the building and heading towards the place where I will spend the rest of my slow moving, clock watching time
I realise the journey wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either, actually more enjoyable than the position I am in now.
But as the hands on the clock decide today they are going to move in an anti-clockwise kind of motion
I realise once again I will be a lone explorer like Christopher Columbus making my way through todays endless ocean.
It gets to the midway point of this treacherous event in my calendar
And I’m beginning to think if the second half is half as long as the first I might not be able to make it through.
The beads of sweat gather on my brow until the ridges in my forehead can no longer hold them back from falling
I’m missing her so much I’ve stood up and sat down so many times my legs are sore and my concentration is appalling
We are now on the home straight though only about 2 hours 24 minutes and 37 seconds left until I can leave this building and focus on surviving the journey home
In the mean time I will amuse myself by twiddling my thumbs and not thinking about her or thinking about her or thinking about her or thinking about her. STOP IT!
I’m nearly there. I’m going to make it cos I’m a strong independent women and it will be worth while in the end or thats what they say
The only time I’m going to able to cope with this situation will be the moment I lay my head on my pillow and drift off to sleep at the end of the day.
And its here. The time I’ve been waiting for. I’m running out of the doors with the theme tune to rocky pounding through my head because I feel like a champion
I have made it through my first day at work since I said good buy to her and if I make it through my first evening when I get home I will have won.
Although without a lie I can feel myself giving in slowly, kind of like rewarding myself for all my hard work by slipping into my old ways
As I feel myself letting the old me take over I’m getting frustrated. I am quitter and can’t even last 2 days.
Ok so lets cut the long story shorter, a couple of days ago I got up and came to the conclusion I couldn’t do this anymore so I decided it was over
I’m not sure why at that point I also decided that I would personify the thing I hated so much and that had caused me so many problems up to this point
But I did. I really thought I had got rid of her and managed to win the battle coming out on top
Turns out as usual the cigarettes won and the likely hood is I’ll never be able to stop.