and sadness
are two very different things
which couldn't be closer together.

i didn't realize that it was an actual possibility
to lie down on cold bathroom tiles and cry.
and yet i have found myself there before,
drowning in my half-inch saltwater tears. 

i wouldn't say you had to do with it - you never do. and still so i find you in the aftermath. it's ridiculous - i'm ridiculous. 

i look at you, and all i think about are masks. slippery masks,
made to wash away with water
but we always use salt. you are a wonderful ripple of laughter, yet laughter doesn't prevail. so why does yours? a mask, i assume.

(although i do read into things far too much. i probably should think before speaking - but you know. i never do.)

i hurt you, you hurt me,
but then i hurt me 
and you hurt you, too.
because all we ever think about
is just, really.
what else are we supposed to do.

my heart's hurting, and my mind's a mess. so why is it in all this chaos all i ever think about is you? why is it that when i am drowning, you are the ocean ravaging my heart?
why am i running in circles around you
when you're right there?

i've lost myself. but i still haven't lost you. when i am the most fundamental part of my own existence,
why is it that all i find myself clinging to is you? (saltwater sticks to skin)

what are you doing in my life?

you're the worst bits in me. you're not there when my blankets are warm, but when the room is cold. you're not there in my laughs, but you're the salt in my tears. it doesn't make sense.
it's sick,
but it's true.
i suppose you could say that about most of the truthful things in life.

why is it that when i should be so thankful for everything (but you),
all i ever think about is how sad i am (to be caught in you).

to talk sailor, you're my anchor - but all you ever do is drag me down.

come to think of it. i am an anchor.
but that's the problem
- i'm always in the water,
i'm always drowning. 

i have no reason to be. my chain is on the deck, and i can haul myself up. and yet still - i drown and i drown and i drown.

i suppose that's the problem. we have chains, but still, we choose
to drown and to drown and to drown.

(andbutso is life.
to drown
and to drown
and to drown.)

The End

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