rh, you are the beauty in destruction and the prying sadness in remote, desolate worlds facing destruction

clever tongues 
and sharp lips 

you do not care for collateral damage 
you only care for those in your arms 

and your arms surround so many, 
your mother and father and sibling 
and our shared friend group

i have ended up in that circle. 

the loop of your fingers through mine 
your soft palm against my rough one 
you don't care about my jagged edges

and sometimes i wish you hadn't known me before 
because then you wouldn't look at me like i'm something you've lost

i could never like you back 
with the amount or enthusiasm that you do me 
and i feel so damnably guilty about that, 
a thick greasy regret sliding uneasily down my throat

you won't leave me now that you've got me, 
you're hanging on with a determination i've never had directed at me before 
and i love it 
i adore the intensity with which you stubbornly stay with me

through the Bad Times
and the days where nothing i am is real 

and god does it make me feel terrible. 

you could be so much 
and i know i'm just dragging you down. 

i know i'm a toxic person
airborne virus
infectious disease that crawls its way down your throat and dies
makes you feel like you're floating, unattached, disconnected

d is j oi nt e d
out of sync 

i love you 

i know it doesn't make a difference 

i'm crushing you 
suffocating you 
i am depriving you of the oxygen you need to grow bigger 
a tree against the mighty 

you could be beautiful 
a redwood in forests refusing to be culled 
but no. 

you choose to stay with me 
a stray you picked up along the way 
and never quite kicked to the curb 

and for some unfathomable reason, 
you still listen to my grievances late at night when the words "mental illness" 
bounce and rattle around in my head 
a heavy thickness of depression 

and i love you so, so much 

and it doesn't make up for my sins, i know 

and god, for your sake, 
i hope you cut me loose 

but god, for my sake, 
i hope you keep me. 

The End

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