Regret

The famous John Green quote in The Fault in Our Stars, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations," seems particularly relevant right now.


My thoughts are so erratic I cannot remember how long I've been lying here,
I think it's been an hour, maybe two,
I haven't come to any more conclusions,
Just scared myself that I cannot fix this.

Commitment is not a concept that excites me,
I don't want to make a mistake,
Not because I think you are the wrong choice but
but because I'm scared that you'll find out that I was the wrong choice
and so I feel the desperate need 
to hurt you before you hurt me
although I know that hurting you hurts me too.
I hate the idea of having caused you pain.
I hate the idea that it hasn't hurt you at all.

And now I'm back in a place I was years ago where everything said to me sounds negative,
Like a compost bin where everything put in turns one colour
to fertilize the garden on regret I planted myself by tearing us apart.

If I don't text you back it's because it would take all of the energy I have,
And if I do message you back it's because I can't think of anything more important,
or you didn't smash the walls I'm building,
you have a key to the door.

I won't ask you to stay waiting around for me to figure myself out,
but I still need you.
I am a soggy broken mess 
and my mind cannot grasp one explanation 
and I regret every choice I have ever made
but my mind keeps going back to you
and whether you're in the same state or you're moving on.
This isn't what I wanted.

If everything I have done is a mistake, meeting you was the one thing I did right. 

The End

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