sometimes i just-
statistically, things kinda suck sometimes.
queer, nb, afab,
i walk outside and every day there's a new case of transphobia.
bathroom politics feel like a punch to the gut.
i go to school and every single day
they remind me that as someone that's biologically female, i will be paid less.
discrimination will work its way into the crevices of my life
afab means being told that i can't go out with my bra straps showing.
it means that i wake up and a new survey is being done,
a new survey tells me 1 in 3 women will be harassed at work.
it means i am relentlessly bombarded by the female teachers at school,
by my primarily female household,
by everything and everyone around me
telling me that i was born with a disadvantage in this world.
it means i am not allowed to walk late at night,
and my mother, a grown woman, ushers us out of the park when the sky dims.
it means my skirt is an invitation.
it means my sister tells me basic rules,
tells me never to leave my drink out,
to ask for sealed drinks.
it means i feel uncomfortable in large groups of mainly big men.
it means i don't want to walk alone in the city.
it means that my sister and not yet me walks home with her keys in-between her fingers.
it means that at a subway stop a girl is assaulted
and my mother doesn't let me take public transit for the next couple weeks
because that could have been me.
as a non-binary person, i am told i am invalid.
see, that's the thing.
and even people in the trans community sometimes like to cut us out,
which stings in a way that's acutely bitter
the likelihood of suicide skyrockets in the trans community
and is higher in the genderqueer, gender non-conforming community.
a guy wearing a dress is a joke on a comedy tv show.
my identity is the punchline.
it's something to be ridiculed, "made up"
(nevermind that that's looking at colonial views of the gender binary)
and it is constantly denied.
asking to be referred to by the correct pronouns,
a basic human dignity,
you know what's more annoying?
which i get almost daily.
and i don't even want to talk about being queer.
wlw are fetishized, hypersexualized, portrayed only for men's entertainment.
biphobia is rampant.
intolerance of asexuality is abundant.
my queerness is dangerous.
my existence itself is radical.
i don't want to be radical.
i just want to be alive.
to be an alive, queer teen on this earth is an act of defiance and it is terrifying.
i am scared of this world
and i am scared of what it means to belong to the communities that i belong to
because i am playing a dangerous game of truthful identity
and when everything is said and done,
the statistics are stacked against me.
i wish it didn't feel like a death sentence.