(08/08/2014 or 09/08/2014 – written around midnight)
Perhaps one day I'll cross the void
between what you can't see
and what I so strongly feel.
Maybe I'll find a better word to use
because 'dysphoria' never seems to cut it.
You sigh and roll your eyes
wondering why I let this 'small' thing get to me.
You cannot comprehend the significance
of this tiniest event,
and why would you?
You've never thought much
on the basic social constructs.
You think my sudden low mood
over a pronoun slip is silly.
But that slip tells me that the perception is still wrong.
People look at me and somehow
still see me as I was,
and while the basics of me haven't changed -
a large part has.
I've found myself – Yay!
But that doesn't make life simple.
Now I psychoanalyse the stereotypes
and try to fit them,
except I don't.
Your biggest fear is that I'll change,
so I won't.
But then I'm not acting enough like a guy for you.
It's a social battle I'm doomed to lose.
The only way I can truly, comfortably be me,
is through physical transition.
Because you still look at me
and somehow see a girl.
My voice automatically tell your subconscious
to use 'she' and 'her'.
You're confused by my severe depression,
but you don't see all these loose connections.
I need to be myself,
but ingrained beliefs
and automatic reactions
make this impossible.
The assumptions made,
both before and after someone learns I'm transgender.
Before I'm just a 'dyke',
or someone trying to stand out.
Then you learn the truth.
Suddenly you feel you can ask questions.
The kind that if I were to ask you,
when no knowledge of trans was given,
you'd most surely be offended.
Yet because I am 'different',
a strange taboo.
You're allowed to strip me of rights,
rights you never realised you yourself always had.
Now I'm suddenly not Alex,
not a human being with their own mind.
I am transgender,
your transgender friend.
(not for long though)
Suddenly I must be a wealth of knowledge,
but you're mistaken.
No transgender experience is alike.
Our only similarity is the pronoun slips.
Because in that moment when we're misgendered -
It's an electric shock.
A slap across the face.
Raising hairs on our skins.
Making us want to retreat.
When it happens you feel a fool -
what was I thinking?
Believing you'd see me as a guy?
But there's nothing I can do but persist.
Because despite some peoples opinions -
this wasn't my choice.
When you screw up my pronouns,
you invalidate me in my entirety.
With one. Stupid. Fucking. Word.
Still don't get why I'm upset?
Then go away.
I've lost my patience with your ignorance.