Sometimes God touches me.
And sometimes I touch flowers looking for him.
Sometimes I sift the wind through my lungs
searching for a trace of him.
I have found God everywhere and nowhere
Just when I feel as though I will break in half
because his hand is so close to my heart,
he leaves and I begin to forget what it is
to want nothing more than to die
and nothing more than to live one more moment please
just one more moment.
There was once a time when he was close, always
and I need only reach out to touch him
but that was before I fell in love
with flesh and blood. Before I dreamed
of holding someone whose body
was not eternal and sacred
who was simply human.
And God knows I still love him
the way I love myself; half angry
half mocking, half mystified. Half forgiving
half understanding. A little bit of hate mixed
with the love.
I have searched with a thousand intentions
and a million different faces
so tell me what mask You like best
so I can wear it while I’m seeking You.
What voice should I use when calling Your name
that would entice You?
Our rivers are polluted
our forests are dying
so where can I find a hiding God?
Where am I to look?
the cities are bleeding from all their thousand pores
and loving it
people are no longer flesh and blood
If you stab them nothing will come out
but empty air—
so I’ve been told.
So should I seek for God in my own veins?
Ransack my body and raid my heart
tear open my stomach in case I ingested him?
I tell you that my throat has drunk of him.
My hands have touched him.
He has kissed my cheek in the dark
But what is easy to see in the blindness of the night
is hardest to believe when the sun shines.
I want to believe the things
he tells me.
Like the only reason people do not
have angels wings is that they were
torn off at birth.
And I have wings that I
tore off myself
but sometimes I feel them
in the blades of my shoulders
I want to believe they are growing back.
Let there be hell
if it means that there isn’t just darkness.
Let there be death so long as it is not just blankness
I cannot live knowing that it was all a waste.
I cannot live if by dying everything in me should perish.
Do you understand why we try so hard?
Do you understand why we tear ourselves apart?
God, who cannot live or die
God, who can only BE.
God, who floats around and inside of us
lives in the wind without scent
is breathed by us without our knowledge
invisible, beautiful, terrible, lovely God
What do you know of being human?
Why do you hide from me when I may not have
enough time to find you?
When every moment could be my last
why do you play with me?
My heart could die.
forever strong and forever beating your life
will never fail you, though it may break
But tell me
Do you wonder why I would cry rather than say your name?
Do you know why I would die for this?
Not for the cross, but for the flame in me.
Not for faith, but for that time when you touched
me and I rose beyond my skin…
God, do you know why I’d rather die a demon
than die a human?
When you opened up this blank vastness before our eyes
and called it death
did you ever wonder why we are the only animalsthat rushed to jump into the pit?