Prayer to a Hiding God

Sometimes God touches me.

And sometimes I touch flowers looking for him.

Sometimes I sift the wind through my lungs

searching for a trace of him.

I have found God everywhere and nowhere

Just when I feel as though I will break in half

because his hand is so close to my heart,

he leaves and I begin to forget what it is

to want nothing more than to die

and nothing more than to live one more moment please

just one more moment.


There was once a time when he was close, always

and I need only reach out to touch him

but that was before I fell in love

with flesh and blood.  Before I dreamed

of holding someone whose body

was not eternal and sacred

who was simply human.

And God knows I still love him

the way I love myself; half angry

half mocking, half mystified.  Half forgiving

half understanding.  A little bit of hate mixed

with the love.


I have searched with a thousand intentions

and a million different faces

so tell me what mask You like best

so I can wear it while I’m seeking You.

What voice should I use when calling Your name

that would entice You?


Our rivers are polluted

our forests are dying

so where can I find a hiding God?

Where am I to look?

the cities are bleeding from all their thousand pores

and loving it

people are no longer flesh and blood

If you stab them nothing will come out

but empty air—

so I’ve been told.


So should I seek for God in my own veins?

Ransack my body and raid my heart

tear open my stomach in case I ingested him?

I tell you that my throat has drunk of him.

My hands have touched him.

He has kissed my cheek in the dark

But what is easy to see in the blindness of the night

is hardest to believe when the sun shines.

I want to believe the things

he tells me.

Like the only reason people do not

have angels wings is that they were

torn off at birth.

And I have wings that I

tore off myself

but sometimes I feel them

in the blades of my shoulders

I want to believe they are growing back.


Let there be hell

if it means that there isn’t just darkness.

Let there be death so long as it is not just blankness

I cannot live knowing that it was all a waste.

I cannot live if by dying everything in me should perish.

Do you understand why we try so hard?

Do you understand why we tear ourselves apart?

God, who cannot live or die

God, who can only BE.

God, who floats around and inside of us

lives in the wind without scent

is breathed by us without our knowledge

invisible, beautiful, terrible, lovely God

What do you know of being human?

Why do you hide from me when I may not have

enough time to find you?

When every moment could be my last

why do you play with me?

My heart could die.

Your heart,

forever strong and forever beating your life

will never fail you, though it may break


But tell me

Do you wonder why I would cry rather than say your name?

Do you know why I would die for this?

Not for the cross, but for the flame in me.

Not for faith, but for that time when you touched

me and I rose beyond my skin…

God, do you know why I’d rather die a demon

than die a human?

tell me,

When you opened up this blank vastness before our eyes

and called it death

did you ever wonder why we are the only animals

that rushed to jump into the pit?

The End

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