FearMature

Staring blankly at the obituary

Knowing one day my face

Will show itself on the page;

A symbol to my demise.

 

Each day is a new challenge,

And the struggles beg questions:

Does life lie in one’s control?

Or have I already fallen?

 

A part of me ponders

If hope can still remain,

If there is a way to erase pain,

A method to dispel the madness.

 

Gazing into the black and white

Knowing my name might be there

Should the knife be plunged.

And it is this that I dread.

 

Coughing up blood from the punch,

Joined by a pair of broken ribs.

Yet I begin to stand.

And I wait for the next hit.

 

In ten or twenty years,

I don’t know what I’ll fear.

I don’t know who I’ll be,

I don’t know what I’ll do.

 

I don’t know where to go,

But I know I must move.

Only one option left,

And I must travel alone.

 

Months bring silence and solace

Bred from solitary environment.

Time to think is given ample,

And my mind is made free.

 

It is the loneliness I need,

Without the company of another.

It is love I must leave,

And return to at a later day.

 

The resolution I crave

Will not arrive as I rest.

This body must strive

And pursue the desired closure.

 

Always positioned under a thumb,

Unsure of the escape route.

Assertiveness overtakes compliance.

The coup is in motion.

 

All these years delivered pain,

And it is that I still dread.

I still breathe this air.

I still stand on this day.

 

In ten or twenty years,

I don’t know what I’ll fear.

Where to shall I go,

And who shall I be?

 

When I live on this path,

Will I end up in a grave?

The answer will not be known,

Unless I go alone.

 

And someday

I know

You’ll be calling my name.

 

That day

I know

Temptation must be refused.

 

And someday

I will

Be far on my road.

 

That day

This man

Will not fall prey to love.

 

The hate that I feel

Will be cleansed.

The love that I felt

Will be forgotten.

 

This is not for you,

These actions are for me.

I must do this for me,

And set my own destination.

 

Uncertainty made me uneasy,

And it is that I still dread.

Somehow I still stand.

And now closure it at hand.

 

In ten or twenty years,

I don’t know what I’ll fear.

Could I be dying someday soon,

Living not a moment more?

 

In the distance I know,

All answers lay in waiting,

And they will never be known

Unless I go alone.

 

Losing myself into the darkness;

It is this I still dread.

It is this I still fear.

 

In ten or twenty years,

I must beat the odds.

I must cheat my fate.

 

And I will no longer fear myself.

The End

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