How I loathe my patrilinial kin
Now they’ve gone and locked me in!
When I woke up this morning bright
There to greet me was the sight
Of the implacable front door,
And a note upon the floor.
“Hehe,” it read in letters vile
“We thought this joke would bring a smile!
To prove your worth in our family.
You will have to find the key.
We’ve locked the door, there’s no escape
The windows are held down with tape.
Inside you will have to stay,
Though you’re due at work today.
You won’t get out! You’ll lose your job!
You shouldn’t laze in bed, you slob.
While you were all soundly sleeping
About our business we were creeping
Blocking every escape route
Don’t it just make you stamp and shout?
All we say is find the key,
That is the way that you’ll get free.
Just find the key, and you’ll be free.
Sincerely, Your Loving Family.”
Oh, how I gnashed my teeth and raged
At this awful prank they’d staged.
I tore the note up into shreds
Scattered the pieces on their beds.
Those evil, machinating freaks!
I’d pay them back, if it took me weeks!
Now I had to find that key
If I ever wanted to be free.
If I wished to retain my job.
(Here I choked back a bitter sob)
Well, I hunted low and I hunted high,
That key just had to be nearby.
But everywhere I was denied.
So many places a key might hide.
I gave up and attacked the door
Battered until my fists were sore.
I fetched a hammer, then a lever,
From the kitchen I grabbed a cleaver.
I tried to pick the lock with a skewer,
With pins, hair-grips and nothing fewer
Than a dozen kebab prongs,
While inventing several revenge songs.
I gave up and I fetched the axe
I hacked that door, I dealt it whacks.
That confounded door didn’t flinch
I swear it never moved an inch.
I roared and hammered, bashed and beat
That door, I kicked it with my booted feet.
I ran at it and with my shoulder
Smashed it, but I just fell over,
Screaming in most dreadful pain.
Then I ran at it again.
I bombarded it with mortar shells
Music at a thousand decibels.
At one point it seemed to quiver
The hinges gave a little shiver,
But it was only taunting me
I heard it snigger nastily.
My hands by now were bloodied lumps
My shirt was ruined, and my pumps
Were hanging by a single thread.
My arms and legs ached, and my head
Was bruised and scabbed and awful sore
From my battles with that door.
It truly was unbreakable
From its purpose most unshakable
It was made to keep me in
I sighed, I conceded it the win.
I tottered broken down the hall
The scene of my inglorious fall.
Defeated by my own front door.
I crashed out, prone upon the floor.
And when I could breathe again, began
To make a Machiavellian plan.
My evil family would pay
For trapping me inside all day.