Please tell me I'm getting closer to something betterMature

Waking up,
able to exist
but not function
like someone-
normal.
Yet,
there is no functioning
normally,
there's a lack
of willpower,
a sense of humor
making shitty jokes
hoping someone understands,
that I don't know
anymore,
I don't know
what to do about myself,
do for myself-
I don't know
anymore.
I am so tired,
but they don't understand-
they don't listen,
they yell,
and make it
about them.
Sometimes you know
what will help,
but
you're sinking in fear
that you will never have
what you need.
When what you need
is taken away,
and you realize
just how badly
you fucked up,
you understand
there are some things
that aren't "fixable"
but you know
you can't stay like this
forever.
You don't know
what it is
keeping you up,
what you have
or what you feel
but it's something
and it's enough,
for now.
Still,
emotions cloud,
consuming
like a tidal wave,
or
a hollow sadness
looming
and never-ending.
You choose ways
to deal with it,
to let it out.
You understand more
about what helps
than those
who are supposed
to know.
I don't remember
what it was like
before this,
what true happiness was,
what it felt like-
I don't remember
anything
but this.
The constant weight
of existence
the lack of will
for anything,
I know
my beautiful moments,
but
they're always
too short
always gone
too soon.
I am tired,
of so much...
I
am tired
and I wish I knew
how not to be.
I wish
I wasn't
anymore.

The End

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