I find myself walking down an endless Hallway with many doors. I reach for the knob of the first one I see. I slowly open it. On the other side is a room with clear white walls. I step inside this strange room. "Freedom" I say out loud. I didn't know why I said it, but I did. I was compelled to do so by some subconscious force. "What is freedom?" The question seem to take a physical shape within the room. In black letters it floated around. "What is freedom?"
Do you feel free?
A voice said. It seemed to have emanated from every direction. From within me as well as from outside. "What do you mean?" I asked.
You know what I mean.
I thought for a moment. I did know what it meant and the answer was; "No." I felt trapped inside the body of a 25 year old male part of a family of narcissists. I lived with my parents still, and my little sister, in a two room apartment. I had a room to myself-Or was I by myself?
The voice had asked. "Why What?"
Why do you not feel free?
The question rang in my head for seconds - no - minutes. Why didn't I feel free. I tried to search my mind for an answer but found none. Was it because I truly had no answer? Or was it that I had so many that I couldn't pick one. Suddenly the room began to fill with black letters, words, and sentences. Reasons. These were the reasons why, but they were so many. Whenever I would try to read one, it would disappear into the many other floating sentences. "I-" I tried to speak, but my thought suddenly vanished. More and more black letters and sentences. Reasons. Thoughts. There were too many. "I don't-" The room began to turn dark as my thoughts, ideas, and reasons, began to race. They were everywhere. Up. Down. Left. Right. Inside. Outside. I couldn't hold one for more than a second before it would vanished into the many. "Help me!" I managed to yell out to the voice.
I couldn't think. I couldn't focus. Too many. Too much. I ran to the door and stormed out of that hellish room. I was back in the hallway. I felt my heart beat in my chest, faster and faster. A sudden wave of panic washed over me and I didn't know why. I needed peace. I approached another door and step through. It brought me to a lonely island in the middle of the ocean. Finally. Tranquility.
It was that damn voice again. "Why didn't you help me back there?"
You never told me why.
Why you needed my help.
I was beginning to get frustrated, but I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself. "Can't you read my thoughts?"
I certainly can.
"Then you knew why I need the help!" This damn voice wasn't helping one bit. I came here to be at peace. To be rid of all the intrusive thoughts. So that I could calmly think and by myself.
That is not how this works.
"What do you mean by that?"
I can not answer to your mind, even though I am inside it. I can only respond to your voice. If you do not talk and ask, I can not respond and answer.
"So what's your purpose then?"
To help you.
"Help me what?"
That's too broad of a question. You need to be more specific.
"The hell with you then." Useless. "Go away." I sat down by the lone palm tree. Right under the shade. The sky was clear, and the ocean calm. The only sound was the wind blowing and beach waters hitting the rocks. I took a meditative pose and closed my eyes. "Why didn't I feel free?" The only reason I talked out loud was because I needed to hear my own voice to be able to better grasp the question and ruminate on it.
Do you feel in control?
"I said shut up!" But did I really? Did I feel in control of my life? My actions? My behaviour? My parents would constantly bombard me with 'coincidences' and whenever I would confront them about it, they would deny it had anything to do with me. Am I being psychotic? Was I hallucinating? I couldn't be. They see what I see and hear what I hear. Yet they still deny the relations of events to me. Even though it's crystal clear. Nothing in my life had been self-earned. I have achieved nothing. Everything had been done to observe my behaviour in certain places and situations. That alone would piss me off greatly. Maybe that's what they are trying to do? Or do they still believe I am dumb enough to fall for their gaslight? No, it's not that. They know. They believe that by confusing me I would drop it all. I wont. I can't. "Is it all an experiment?" I wondered. I still wonder. Feeding me like an animal to calm the aggression and rage impulses. Sneaking in hypnotic drugs to continue their - no, it's not their experimentation. They have a daughter to take care of. They are taking part of it for the money. Why else would a large meal at a local restaurant only cost five dollars? It is the scientists then. The source? It's been more than ten years now since it had all started. They wanted inside the mind of a mentally broken human and are using me as their guinea pig. Question is; "What can I do now?"
"What?!" That damn voice again. I held the the impulse to curse at it. "The hell you mean, nothing?"
I mean, it has been more than ten years and it is now that you are considering doing something? Why didn't you do something before?
"Because I didn't know what was wrong me before." I said. "I thought everything was well. I believed I was healthy, both physically and mentally. Before, I didn't understand psychology. But now I do."
Well, good for you. Still, what can you do? They will never stop the experiments. The gaslighting. They need to learn more. Your life means little to them. You are, and always will be, a test subject. So, what can you do?
Although I hated it, the voice had a point. I believed that the moment I caught on to their lies, they would stop. It's not ethical. But it's been more than two months now and nothing has truly changed. Except that now I see their actions for what they truly are: Fake. Planned. And secretive. I had already ripped the ceiling fan off and broke the window of their car. And still, nothing has changed. Their gaslighting is persistent. Even my little sister knows the truth and is part of it all. At least that's what the evidence shows. "Damn, what can I do?"
Isn't it obvious?
"No." I said, clearly not pleased by the voice's response. "But please, do enlighten me."
"I thought you were here to help me." I said.
"And how exactly are you helping me now?" Silence. "Fine, don't answer." Was there anything I could do? I answered the question right as I thought it. Fine then. What is there to do now? What can a trapped human being do when he/she knows that there is no escape from their destiny? What is there to do than to think. To ruminate. To contemplate. About what? Helplessness? Love? Emotions that are pointless in my current condition? Too many questions and not enough answers. Maybe I should focus on one thing at a time. I stood up and went back to the hallway. Now, which door to pick?