Poem (Letter) for S

Yesterday, I stood up all night, paralyzed
In the arms of another man.
I whispered to him – I love you,
But my thoughts, violently flew to you.
I remembered your hands, I wished to be mine;
The way they were holding smoky cigarettes
And your voice, telling me – You’re mine.
I yearn one thing right now,
To hear your voice, at least one more time,
And then I’ll embrace the sorrow
Of my deepest fears.
It is because of them, I never left that day
But at least, let me write this letter,
To express the sadness in my heart.
Today, is another day, in a deserted land,
I woke up torn apart, crying and shivering
Because I felt at loss. 
I am alone now, in a disheveled bed,
And I think more of you, then to anything else.
If I would have told you – I love you,
I wish right after that, to die all alone.
Not because I can’t go on,
But because I could never be yours.
This is a gruesome world, S
It never gives you what you wish for…
And sometimes, I wonder, what is it
That your heart wished for, when it spoke to me.
This sadness, I shall resent it, in the corners of
My mind. I’ll probably never forget you,
But please keep in mind, that my love
Is deeper than the dark
And it glows like the diamond stars,
You look at, every night.
Maybe, on the vast blue, we can meet
And dance with the wind, entangled
In desires that fire up the sky.
Now, my entire being, is shattered
And I wonder, if you think of me
As opposed to the flame of a candle.
I would run, if my fears wouldn’t keep me here.
I would run to you, and kiss you for a thousand years;
And tell you – I am yours, and always be.
But, I’m tired, of playing games with life,
Of thinking, about if’s and failures.
And that’s why I stayed.
I never wanted you to be a failure, 
I wanted you to shape my world,
And give it wings, when I am weary.
Is it enough, I wonder? 
That I suffer, or it will never be enough?
S, wherever you are, I only ask of you –
Do not let go of me, even if I’m death.
Do not forsaken me, even if I am not there.
Maybe, even hunt me, through our dreams
If they are still the same.
Do I ask too much? 

Once, on a sunny morning,
I told you, I was losing air.
That time, I was in despair.
I wanted to feel your soul, closer to mine, 
I wanted, for you to release the breath
I needed the most, to be complete again.
Love of mine, I don’t want you to be
Just a letter in a poem;
But life, makes it harder every time
And it is my fault, I can’t see your eyes
Or hear your voice, playing with my mind.
Oh, S… How I wish for you to snatch me
From these cruel hands of destiny.
I know - I need to be strong,
But how can I, when you couldn’t even
Belong to me, for a mere second
From this endless time?
Dear S, I’ll end this letter,
Afraid that only in my dreams
I shall see you again.
And only, in my moments of solitude,
I can think of you, and hear you call me –
Sweet girl; let’s meet on that Saturday
We planned running away.

The End

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