I found this. Something I wrote a year or so ago. Perhaps the most honest thing I've ever written.
I wasn't planning on sharing it, but when I rediscovered it, I wanted to. I had to.
It was titled "poem," and I remember feeling so apathetic about life that I didn't even bother to give this a title.
I hope that, if you relate to the depression, you can also relate to the freedom. I love you.
hopeless hopeless hopeless
falling down to die and nobody cares
why am i so alone in this
even God seems to have turned His face
i want to be free of this
but the darkness just won’t let go
peace is but a figment
of a twisted and deranged imagination
i want to live
please don’t let me die here
if i die though
would anyone even notice or care
there is no hope
i am alone in my condemnation and pain
i have done this to myself
there is no escaping the whispers of damnation
i know what i’ll do
bleed bleed bleed until the pain is gone
i know it’s foolish
but cant you see its the only way to live with myself
who am i anymore
have i ever even been anyone to begin with
is my life even real
i feel so cold and numb and sinful
i am not a sinner
no i am become sin personified
there is no escape
i am trapped and falling falling falling
does anyone hear me
or is my throat too raw to produce sound
are my screams silent
cant anyone tell that im struggling for breath
i am damned damned damned
is it blasphemy to say that God hates me
is it blasphemous to say
that He has given up completely on me
i once knew Him
i once believed that He would save
but now im wearied
and i think He laughs at my struggling
im so tired
someone let me lay my head on your shoulder
im so broken
someone put me back together again
someone pick me up and cradle me gently
i just want to die
God let this be the last night i breathe here
i wouldnt dare to touch
the Bible or even a book of worshipful songs
im doomed to misery
its what i deserve so i shouldnt complain
all they see is who i cant ever become
nobody likes me
im just taking up space on this earth
nobody loves me
they all just put up with me
im sure they all
would rejoice if i gave in to death
i feel the devils cold fingers
grasping my neck and whispering threats
maybe hes right
maybe i should cease existing
maybe hes right
maybe he really does have more power than God
in any case
he seems nearer than God is right now
if i gave in
if i allowed the devil to take my soul
maybe i would
find some security somewhere somehow
but this isnt what i want
i dont want to serve the master of darkness
but if i cant serve the light
then what the heck am i doing here anyways
give up rachel
youre never going to mean anything to anyone
they all love her more than you anyways
where is everyone
why do i feel like im at my own funeral
someone please notice me
someone please find me in my river of tears
someone please help
i dont even know where to begin
why are you walking away
DOESNT ANYBODY CARE ABOUT ME???
why must this happen
why must i be suspended between life and death
i just want to be okay
why is everyone running away from me
this is all my fault
penance is the only way to make up for my badness
but God doesnt like penance
SOMEBODY HELP! i cant do this anymore!!!!!
i just need to be
perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect
maybe then ill find
the hope and love im searching for now
why cant i be perfect
why isnt this easier than it is
why am i me
why must i be so darn pathetic and clueless
alone all alone
i will find perfection even if it kills me
then God will love me
maybe just maybe i will love me too
tears are the ultimate sign of weakness
dont listen to them
theyre lying and theyll hate you if you cry
JUST DONT FREAKING CRY AND THEN YOULL BE STRONG
this is hopeless
my life is losing its meter
i dont know who i am anymore
i never did to begin with
wait yes i do know who i am
and unspeakably stupid
wait wait wait
wait for me
dont let me believe myself
dont let me die
even if i say i want to
they say theres hope...
do i dare to believe?
i dont want this
i dont want this pain
what if there is escape?
what if God cares?
what if He really grieves at our distance?
what if He really Loves?
what if ive been pushing Him away this whole time?
are You there, God?
have You really been Loving and calling this whole time?
do You really free?
do You really free people from their bondage?
look at me, God.
i have done such terrible, awful things.
nobody knows the whole.
only i know everything ive ever done.
or can it be
can it be that You still Love me
even though You see
the darkness of my very soul
i dont know.
what am i getting myself into?
if i Love You
what kind of life am i agreeing to?
but its better.
its better than what im doing right now.
i will do this.
i will bet my soul on the chance that God still is here.
God, i dont know...
i dont know who i am to You
but i am willing to learn
i am finally willing to run to You for always
i dont care what it takes
i have been on the road of destruction for too long
im coming home
home to You and to the freedom You promise.
and i will fight, because that is the only thing left to do.
note: the words in bold have been censored. they were originally cuss words; i've replaced them with euphemisms. i wanted to include the original to convey the sense of hopelessness i felt, but at the same time, i didn't want to offend any readers. so i decided to censor them but acknowledge the original wording in this note.