PoemMature

I found this. Something I wrote a year or so ago. Perhaps the most honest thing I've ever written.

I wasn't planning on sharing it, but when I rediscovered it, I wanted to. I had to.

It was titled "poem," and I remember feeling so apathetic about life that I didn't even bother to give this a title.

I hope that, if you relate to the depression, you can also relate to the freedom. I love you.

hopeless hopeless hopeless

falling down to die and nobody cares

why am i so alone in this

even God seems to have turned His face

 

i want to be free of this

but the darkness just won’t let go

peace is but a figment

of a twisted and deranged imagination

 

i want to live

please don’t let me die here

if i die though

would anyone even notice or care

 

there is no hope

i am alone in my condemnation and pain

i have done this to myself

there is no escaping the whispers of damnation

 

i know what i’ll do

bleed bleed bleed until the pain is gone

i know it’s foolish

but cant you see its the only way to live with myself

 

who am i anymore

have i ever even been anyone to begin with

is my life even real

i feel so cold and numb and sinful

 

i am not a sinner

no i am become sin personified

there is no escape

i am trapped and falling falling falling

 

does anyone hear me

or is my throat too raw to produce sound

are my screams silent

cant anyone tell that im struggling for breath

 

i am damned damned damned

is it blasphemy to say that God hates me

is it blasphemous to say

that He has given up completely on me

 

i once knew Him

i once believed that He would save

but now im wearied

and i think He laughs at my struggling

 

im so tired

someone let me lay my head on your shoulder

im so broken

someone put me back together again

 

im helpless

someone pick me up and cradle me gently

i just want to die

God let this be the last night i breathe here

 

i wouldnt dare to touch

the Bible or even a book of worshipful songs

im doomed to misery

its what i deserve so i shouldnt complain

 

nobody cares

all they see is who i cant ever become

nobody likes me

im just taking up space on this earth

 

nobody loves me

they all just put up with me

im sure they all

would rejoice if i gave in to death

 

i feel the devils cold fingers

grasping my neck and whispering threats

maybe hes right

maybe i should cease existing

 

maybe hes right

maybe he really does have more power than God

in any case

he seems nearer than God is right now

 

if i gave in

if i allowed the devil to take my soul

maybe i would

find some security somewhere somehow

 

but this isnt what i want

i dont want to serve the master of darkness

but if i cant serve the light

then what the heck am i doing here anyways

 

give up rachel

youre never going to mean anything to anyone

nobody cares

they all love her more than you anyways

 

where is everyone

why do i feel like im at my own funeral

someone please notice me

someone please find me in my river of tears

 

someone please help

i dont even know where to begin

why are you walking away

DOESNT ANYBODY CARE ABOUT ME???

 

why must this happen

why must i be suspended between life and death

i just want to be okay

why is everyone running away from me

 

this is all my fault

penance is the only way to make up for my badness

but God doesnt like penance

SOMEBODY HELP! i cant do this anymore!!!!!

 

i just need to be

perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect

maybe then ill find

the hope and love im searching for now

 

why cant i be perfect

why isnt this easier than it is

why am i me

why must i be so darn pathetic and clueless

alone all alone

i will find perfection even if it kills me

then God will love me

maybe just maybe i will love me too

 

no tears

tears are the ultimate sign of weakness

dont listen to them

theyre lying and theyll hate you if you cry

 

JUST DONT FREAKING CRY AND THEN YOULL BE STRONG

 

this is hopeless

my life is losing its meter

 

i dont know who i am anymore

i never did to begin with

wait yes i do know who i am

 

stupid

pathetic

ugly

worthless

hopeless

wretched

damaged

unfaithful

lustful

thieving

self-harming

damned

condemned

unworthy

bad

awful

sinful

wicked

weak

and stupid

and stupid

and unspeakably stupid

 

wait wait wait

wait for me

dont let me believe myself

dont let me die

even if i say i want to

 

they say theres hope...

do i dare to believe?

i dont want this

i dont want this pain

what if there is escape?

 

what if God cares?

what if He really grieves at our distance?

what if He really Loves?

what if ive been pushing Him away this whole time?

 

are You there, God?

have You really been Loving and calling this whole time?

do You really free?

do You really free people from their bondage?

 

look at me, God.

i have done such terrible, awful things.

nobody knows the whole.

only i know everything ive ever done.

 

or can it be

can it be that You still Love me

even though You see

the darkness of my very soul

 

Yes.

 

YES.

 

i dont know.

what am i getting myself into?

if i Love You

what kind of life am i agreeing to?

 

but its better.

its better than what im doing right now.

i will do this.

i will bet my soul on the chance that God still is here.

 

God, i dont know...

i dont know who i am to You

but i am willing to learn

i am finally willing to run to You for always

 

i dont care what it takes

i have been on the road of destruction for too long

im coming home

home to You and to the freedom You promise.


and i will fight, because that is the only thing left to do.

 

note: the words in bold have been censored. they were originally cuss words; i've replaced them with euphemisms. i wanted to include the original to convey the sense of hopelessness i felt, but at the same time, i didn't want to offend any readers. so i decided to censor them but acknowledge the original wording in this note.

The End

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