when did i begin to hate myself this muchMature

i run my hands over my bare hips, 
skin littered with raised cuts 
fading pale pink back into flesh
and ridged with freshness

and i wonder when i first wanted to carve myself out of my body. 

stretched swaths of fabric bandages, 
two sports bras, 
nothing can crush my C cup fully into my ribcage

i was born to be a woman 
and my genetics will not let me forget it

round face with curved cheeks and weak structure, 
i am feminine and i cannot run from it fully 

my button-ups are the most precious thing in my closet, 
black converse and dark skinny jeans are my gospel
i cry to cover the rattling of my bones at night

as my skeleton tries to run
tries to escape from this flesh trap, 
prisoner of the damned

playing poker with the ghosts inside my bed 

sometimes i wish i wasn't what i am. 
gayer than all hell 
and depressed beyond the point of suicidal 
gender-fucked from the start

i want to want to be normal,
'normal' whatever in the four directions that means 
yellow sundresses and sandals

and my hair is my most hated enemy 
but i fear vanquishing it 
because i know:

i know a religiously Christian school will not like that 
girls already whisper in the hallways 
i do not need them looking at me
even though i merely mouth the weekly prayers

"they" screams at me from afar, 
loud and angry and brash
it is not happy with me 
and i cannot blame it 

this is my safe space, 
honesty brittled with my sadness
and the looming presence of  "they" 
so fucking nice and fucking fitting 
like slipping into bed after a long day 

it hates me and i know why 
because i am afraid to use it 
and i wonder if my friends have noticed

i never refer to myself as 
she/her, don't call myself girl/woman
never have, really

i fucking hate this body 
but i cannot escape it 
though i try to no avail

sometimes i wonder if this is just me 
gender identity shot to the sky 
something i cannot scrub from my skin

i wonder sometimes if everyone feels like their gender makes them dirty. 

(a part of me says no 
and i don't want to ask what that means)

The End

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