Perfect Man

This was actually inspired by an episode of The Venture Brothers. Guess which one.

Perfect Man

Perfect Man hatched from a purple egg. He sniffed the air then gingerly scratched his genitals.

“Behold!” cried the Scientist. “The Perfect Man, perfect in every way!”

“Will it do the dishes?” asked the Scientist’s Wife.

“Perfect by nature, my dear! He needs perfect education, perfect upbringing and socialization!”

Perfect Man began to suck on his big toe.

“Don’t mind that. Just one of the quirks of creating Perfect Man instead of Perfect Baby.”

“You needn’t have been so hasty,” said the Scientist’s Wife. “Why doesn’t he look more like Robert Redford in his prime?”

The Scientist scowled. “I thought he would look more like me.”

Perfect Man probed his mouth with a finger. Then he screeched and relieved himself on the carpet.

“What perfect vocal cords! What a perfect bowel movement!”

The Scientist’s Wife frowned. “Does it do any tricks?”

The Scientist shrugged.

“What about a wife? A Perfect Woman to propagate the perfect race?”

Perfect Man began to hoot and roll about in his immaculate excrement.

“Don’t say that sort of thing. You’re getting him too excited.”

“What a perfectly useless creature,” said the Scientist’s Wife. “I suppose I can just teach it to wash the dishes.”

“But my dear, you already have a perfectly good dishwasher.”

“I bet it’s a good listener.”

“I already gave you the perfect houseplant.”

The Scientist’s Wife snubbed her nose at the Perfect Man. He, in reply, stuck out his tongue. The two giggled and continued making faces.

“Stop that!” shouted the Scientist, stomping and waving his arms in the air. “You’ll ruin him for good!”

The Scientist’s Wife rolled her eyes. “What else is there to do with a Perfect Man?”

The End

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