i'm not deaddying yet but i dont think im really human anymore just anatomical inaccuracies of my luminescent skeleton like glowsticks in a quiet roomMature

'cause you're a ghost at most,
a set of empty bones,
searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole
-pvris

sometimes i have the vague wish 
that people turned into stars when they died

so that at least when i'm gone
at least i'll leave something beautiful behind

(if only because i'm not)
(if only because i am disjointed and twisted out of place
and broken so far beyond repair)
(if only because for once, i want my love to not hurt others)

and these days i'm battered and bruised
like a toy tossed one too many times
splintering apart at its wooden edges

i don't know where i'm going 
and i'm so afraid of everything 

do you understand me?! do you?!
because i don't think you do, 
i don't think you get the way i watch blood pour from my skin
and i can't even eat properly these days like the messed up fuck-up i am 

i want a life where i can function like i should. 
and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i know this sounds like giving up

(and maybe it is)
(but i'm so scared of everything all the time)

so i want to fucking apologize

for the way my stitches come loose, 
mask of a human being sliding down my face 

until i can't pretend to be whole anymore

and i just want to die, 
is that so wrong? 

i'm such a fucking sad, 
fucking depressed person and my fingers shake against the keyboard

(i tell myself this is not blind fear)
(i tell myself so many things)
(i don't want to admit i'm a chronic liar and my most common victim is myself)

please just let me die. 
please i beg you

everything 
hurts

everything h u r t s 

you don't understand 
i ache all over
like some profound declaration of suffering 

even though it's mostly just because i'm so fucked-up, 
even though i'm sometimes afraid of being afraid of committing suicide

even though let's be honest, i should be honest with myself, nobody is ever honest

(i'm so fucking afraid of pain)
(and isn't that a shit thing, because i control myself with pain)
(it's the only way i can punish myself for everything i do wrong)
(i do everything wrong)
(i'm so sorry)

(i'm so sorry)

please forgive me

please just let me die

i'm not going to kill myself, 
not yet i guess i don't know 
don't know anything at all these days
like a staccato record skipping plays so that it doesn't have to sing the love song anymore
we all lose, all've lost people 

sometimes we even lose lost people 
i suppose i could crunch myself into the latter category

i make myself sick, christ, 
i'm sorry sorry so r ry

s o r r y
(i wish i didn't cry so often
even though these days i don't have enough emotions left to)

i'm sorry
everyone leaves eventually

(they say they won't)
(why does everyone lie)
(i watch them go and i can't bring myself to say
"i told you so)

(don't want to be right)

i fall in love a little with everyone i meet
and my love destroys people because i'm a fucking parasite

i m pl o d in g 

i'm sorry
i'll leave soon 

and i hope i leave behind 
milky way galaxies 
worlds of stars 

so that i hope when i die my last breath is dust
and i am creating something because it's about time

and i want to be beautiful 

(i know you don't understand)
(maybe it's because you've been beautiful all your life)

but when i die, 
not today i tell myself, not today today tod ay t o da y to d ay t o d a y 
like some endless mantra to fend off doomsday
deathday
i used to hate funerals so much

but please, 
just understand if nought other else,
please 

please for once in my life

please

i just want to be beautiful. 

The End

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