Of Daniel, And Of Difficult TruthsMature

Probably the most deeply personal piece of poetry I ever wrote. Please judge it honestly and truthfully - but know that you also judge me, for this is as close as I've come to pouring myself onto paper.

I keep beating back the flames, but all too quickly I tire

Because I'm damned, and doomed, and destined for the fire

-

I know I am weak, but I feel weaker still

Sometimes I catch a glimpse or reflection of myself

And would you believe, I make myself ill?

-

Perhaps this is why I choose to rarely look too closely, or for too long

I cannot offer much by way of apology since words are cheap

But with honesty perhaps I can explain why I feel so wrong

Then the truth is yours to keep

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For a start I choose to expose my eyes to violent and pornographic images for entertainment

And I'm ashamed to admit that I have become numb

To the terrible things that I seek out for my own amusement

All in the name of fun

-

To the extent that these days even when the news is switched on

The awful stories I hear fall upon deaf eyes, weary and a hardened heart

Because I have switched off

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There is so much hatred and loathing within this place

My heart pumps love, but I can't keep pace

-

I am not blind

I know that my government murders for oil, for profits, for hysteria and control

But still I pay my taxes - never once have I refrained

Nor once have I complained

-

I think back often to the close friends that I have simply forgotten

All the familiar faces which have faded from my recollection

And I realize upon reflection

That I didn't deserve even one of them, not one little bit

-

I recall so many precious childhood memories

Best friends, adventures shared, and holidays

Playing sports, staying out late and climbing trees

Our little pranks too, and all our curious ways

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I am saddened sometimes by how much has changed

Me, most of all

I was happiest then

But I've grown a fool

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I still cling onto some friendships but I sometimes feel that I abuse these also

I've hit on girls who I really shouldn't, I should've stopped myself but somehow couldn't

-

I now feel that my capacity for kindness and empathy is much diminished

From the most basic human decency

Instead I just safeguard selfish, ignorant little me

-

I've done things for which I feel ashamed

Filled now with regret - because I know I should have abstained

-

I am completely absorbed in poems and wordplay

I tell myself it is because it challenges me and fuels my creativity

But in truth I know that I good at it, and I fear that in reality

It's just another futile exercise to feed my ego, and fuel my insanity.

-

Am I a brilliant loner or just brilliantly alone?

Would I rather be the melting ice-cream, or the soggy cone?

The flat batteries, or the dead phone?

Once again all just wordplay - because in truth I have absolutely nothing to say

-

I just fake it and hide

Behind this fickle façade

Portraying an illusion of soulful depth

But really an emotional retard 

-

Please understand that I am not evil, in fact I doubt that I'm a bad person

I'm just jaded, apathetic and callous - and this continues to worsen

I'm flawed like everyone else

So why do I feel as if I should myself to a higher standard?

And why do I feel as if I'm failing as a person?

-

In fact  I can be honest than that. Although I try to be a good guy I know that I am capable of some pretty dark shit

And the more I try to surround myself with goodness and godliness - the more I shine out as the misplaced misfit

-

Because at my core my desires are wicked and cruel

And I know that I'll always be the errant fool

-

For I lack the capacity to grow beyond the confines of my selfish little bubble

And I know that even if I hit rock bottom - I'll just live amongst the rubble

-

I don't want to be this way any more

But I'm not sure that I have the capacity or the greatness to change

I am just so hollow and sore

I do feel a better me so close, but still just out of range

-

I do know that when I'm dead and gone I don't want me tombstone to read

'Here lies Daniel Thomas McDonald loving...' What? Son?

Honestly what else could they put? What else have I done?

-

I've rambled on for awhile

In this self-pitying, self-indulgent and self-serving style

So please allow me to summarize

The direction in which my heart truly lies

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I want to care for the people around me, not just those that I already know and love

But for strangers in the street, and all the wonderful characters I meet

-

I want to take care of the planet, in the same way that it takes care of me

I don't want my sons to look back and lament, at how I helped ruin this world so wastefully

-

I want to leave a mark, that others might remember me fondly

If only for a generation or two - but I just don't know what to do

-

I want to inject more happiness into the world than I steal from it, and find a happiness and fulfilment that lasts

I cannot continue this cycle of just repeating the mistakes of the past

-

I want to find someone to share my life with, though I don't know where to begin

Because in truth I know nothing of love, just of living in sin

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But most of all I just want to not feel empty any more

I want to feel something so strongly

And so raw - that is blinds me

Until my vision is filled and it's all I can see

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This was a poem that exposed me in ways

I cannot articulate

Before you offer praise

Please hesitate, consider my words and don't think me so great

-

Remember that I am frailty and weakness

And also a prideful, arrogant lack of meekness

For though I know I am stupid and worthless

I am far more complicated and damaged than I can easily express

-

Thank you for hearing me

Thank you for seeing me

Thank you for judging me

This I deserve.

The End

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