numbers and a timeline

Oh Andy...

Tonight I will dive into his skin
for the 147th time
in an effort to forget your name
Over two hundred times have I screamed his 
wishing I could be crying out yours,
these nights I cry your name into my pillow
because my cowardice is catching,
and its catching up to me.

Tomorrow I will regret my need to
have you,
the way my body craves
what it has never had.
The way I’ve memorized what
sets your soul on fire,
the things that make you catch your breath,
that leave you gasping for air.

I said your name 17 times
more than I needed too,
just to taste it on my tongue,
just to feel it, to feel the vowels caressing the air,
and to smile at the thought of you somewhere in New York state.

Six months.
Six months of trying to comes to terms
with the fact that I wasn’t strong enough
to fight for you,
to face the fact that I needed you
more than I even needed myself.
You were the anchor that kept on me Earth
and when our love became rougher
than the Atlantic sea during a storm,
I ran,
ran into arms that were easier to wrap
around my small frame,
drank the heart song
of a boy who will let me use his
soul as a blanket to warm myself on
the coldest nights.

It took me a two months,
three weeks,
five days,
and some odd number of hours
and minutes
that are blurred with the knowing
that you understand my soul
in a way I have never known.
My heart will always be yours,
My body will always belong to you
and the way you say

“ma cherie” like its a beacon
to my lost, bleeding heart.

A year,
one whole year and one lone month
and I've finally realized that you aren't my only lifeline,
just the epicenter of my sanity.

And for at least the 30th time,
I’m sorry that I haunt your beautifully complex mind-
I am not worthy
of being a worn skeleton
in the closet
across from the place where you lay your head
and maybe
still dream of me.

I know its wrong,
but I do hope you still think of me,
even though I do not let myself
dream of you
or the things your words do to me
as they wash over me,
the living poetry of two souls
in a separated harmony.
but if you will quiet the nightmares in my bones,
I’ll silence the fear pumping from your heart,
into your bloodstream.

The End

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