Mystery solved.

We should have guessed.

I was never a lover of water

of fishes or mermaids or sharks

so the chances of me going sailing

were as rare as a dogfish that barks.


But for some inexplicable reason

I signed up as a member of crew

for to sail cross the endless Atlantic

that's the damage that liquor can do.


Sore beset by an evil hangover,

clinging desperate to rails for my life.

Lady Liberty smug with amusement,

entertained by this mariner's strife.


The master now shouting out orders,

the crew all responding as one,

except for the poor retching wretch

who knows not what ought to be done.


Unmasked as a non sailing sailor,

landlubbering oaf all at sea,

I can feel the white heat of their hatred

as they all want to marmalise me.


Too late to turn back and re-port me,

the voyage now full underway,

no berthing until Southern Europe

now regretting my own birthing day.


It's hard to help on a sailing ship

when you can't tie a knot in a rope

and you don't know your aft from your elbow

and the first mate has started to grope.


I tried a full day in the crow's nest

where I spotted vast stretches of sea

all the rolling and turning and churning

left me clutching the mast of dead tree.


A day in the galley then followed

epicurian gifts to bestow

on sailors fair dead from their labours

with salmonella I laid them all low.



And as I said prayers o'er their bodies

and committed remains to the sea

I was froze by the realisation

That the whole of the crew was now me.


I panicked and ran to the fo'c's'le

though I'd no real idea where it be

then I ran to side and the back and the front

and then I ran into the sea.


It was as I went down for the third time

with salt water now filling my chest

that I cursed at the ship of misfortune

waved my fist at the marie celeste.

The End

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