Thinking in The PastMature

.... Exactly like my feelings it doesn't matter....

I don't blame you for leaving, I was never good enough for you anyway you knew it as well as I did.

Now you are in her arms and I hope she treats you well however she always starts out well, I know when you betrayed me with her.... the infamous ex that until just now I wasn't over, you knew I wasn't, I cant blame you for getting with her and wether or not you did it to hurt me or not I ultimately want you to be happy and aside from sit here and watch our show on Netflix, eat nachos and listen to "Arms of The Angles" by Sarah Mclocghlin I have nothing of you..... as time passes sitting on this couch crying I think of everything we went through, the fights the bits of rage that led to me leaving your dorm and going to another friends. The nights of cuddling where for once I felt like I was needed by someone.... for the first time since her. You wondered why I was how I was, the stories we told eachother the lies that I told to cover up how fucked up my life truly was, I needed help not for you to know what I had been through, a hatchet I had barried years before you came along...... the night at Mcdonalds realizing that we had more in common that I could ever know just by looking at you but to be honest just like you you have to see below my surface and that wasn't a path that you needed to walk down.

I wasn't stupid.... not till I met you, I tried to hold everything in but I remember the first date. I violated all of my morals I threw them all away. I said screw everything that I stood for and stood in front of your mirror in a place that I wasn't comfortable in wondering why I was doing this but the second your lips touched mine none of that mattered. I close my eyes and I pull my shirt off over my head and you tell me to face the mirror I turn around and your fingertips gently ceress my hip and everything is ok and I am lost in everything that is your smile. You kiss my neck and you run your fingers against my stomach, I curl inside of myself momentairaly you tell me that my stretch marks are the sign of me bringing life into this world and they make me beautiful and strong and I let go just a little more and everything is ok..... you unclip my bra and I proceed to crawl back into my shell and you tell me that even though they are small they are perfect. Perky beautiful like me, I slide my pants down and you see every single one of my scars and for a moment it is okay because when you ran your hands over them and for once I feel like I am beautiful.....

I snap back to reality now and there are tears in my eyes and I want to be mad... I want to hate you but I cant because I finally realize how much of this was my fault... I wasn't what you needed and I ran you into her arms, I killed us not the other way around, I think of Halloween the night in your dorm making a haunted gingerbread house and all the sudden my stomach hurts my hands shake and I cant help but wonder if you two eat nachos together? Wonder if you two watch our comedian that we used to stay up and watch? If you and her go to Mcdonalds together on dates? If you have with her what we had, if you cuddle with her... if she knows what your skin feels like and then my mind starts to race about everything I did wrong and I realize that I need you but its too late now. I think back to Christmas break when you told me that you were going to ask me to merry you... that you have a ring and that you want to marry me so I will be yours, only and just yours and for a brief moment I wonder if you were seirious about that, I think about you marrying her and its just one more cut one more mark one more scar and one more inch toward the edge of the cliff and I feel pathetic.

Why her? You told me you hadn't had feelings for her, was that a lie?

I didn't plan for this to happen is what you tell me.

But is that supposed to stop the pain?

My blood is boiling but my heart has run cold....

This is the end..... My end...

All that's left is to say


But you wouldn't care...

youre happy, content. Youll be alive

but its time for me to say it


The End

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