{my mind}Mature

"Hey, how are you?"

A thousand things race through my head, and I can't help but wonder where to start.
I wonder what to say as the pain slashes across my heart again.
Should I even start? 
Should I even say what I'm really thinking?
How do I even begin to describe all the little things that are caving in?
The yearning to go to college, yet the absolute terrifying grip of it. 
That maybe I won't be good enough.
I wonder if my grades are good enough for college.
But nothing is ever good enough. 
Yet I don't really care.
Whenever I go home, I'm a stranger in my own family.
That I haven't heard the words "I love you" from my Mom for years. 

I don't deserve love. 

And that my Dad has left me alone with this pain.
The only two people that were supposed to care for me have left. 
What did I do?

I am disgusting.

My best friend has an eating disorder.
And I can't help but blame myself.
If only I would have caught it sooner, what was I thinking.
I love her so much.

I am selfish. 

My little brother hates me.
For not being around as much as I wish I could. 
But home is not where my heart is. 
It's where my nightmares live.
The dark nights that take my tears and slap them back across my face.
I'm going on a trip next week.
What if something happens to the ones I love?
I couldn't cope with it, I can't cope.
I didn't say the right thing tonight.
When my friend asked for some advice.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. 
Why are you so selfish? 
My room is a mess.
The number of scars and cuts on my legs are now a grand total of nineteen.
They won't go away and my friends will see. 
I can't do anything perfect enough.
My mind is a mess, just like this poem. 
I just want to go relieve the pain, why are these people here?
I wonder how many ibuprofen it would take to shut off this continual buzz. 

"I'm doing good, how about you?" 

The End

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