"Hey, how are you?"
A thousand things race through my head, and I can't help but wonder where to start.
I wonder what to say as the pain slashes across my heart again.
Should I even start?
Should I even say what I'm really thinking?
How do I even begin to describe all the little things that are caving in?
The yearning to go to college, yet the absolute terrifying grip of it.
That maybe I won't be good enough.
I wonder if my grades are good enough for college.
But nothing is ever good enough.
Yet I don't really care.
Whenever I go home, I'm a stranger in my own family.
That I haven't heard the words "I love you" from my Mom for years.
I don't deserve love.
And that my Dad has left me alone with this pain.
The only two people that were supposed to care for me have left.
What did I do?
I am disgusting.
My best friend has an eating disorder.
And I can't help but blame myself.
If only I would have caught it sooner, what was I thinking.
I love her so much.
I am selfish.
My little brother hates me.
For not being around as much as I wish I could.
But home is not where my heart is.
It's where my nightmares live.
The dark nights that take my tears and slap them back across my face.
I'm going on a trip next week.
What if something happens to the ones I love?
I couldn't cope with it, I can't cope.
I didn't say the right thing tonight.
When my friend asked for some advice.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Why are you so selfish?
My room is a mess.
The number of scars and cuts on my legs are now a grand total of nineteen.
They won't go away and my friends will see.
I can't do anything perfect enough.
My mind is a mess, just like this poem.
I just want to go relieve the pain, why are these people here?
I wonder how many ibuprofen it would take to shut off this continual buzz.
"I'm doing good, how about you?"